Comfortably Numb
by Courtney77
Summary: Emma's dealing with a lot in her life, and the least likely, of all people, is helping. IF YOU READ, PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

**Okay it's been a long time since I've taken a shot at fanfiction, but I have a lot of spare time. I've been watching tons of Degrassi music videos, hehe, and have been inspired.**

**This will be about Emma and how she deals after the shooting, and during the whole Jay ordeal. The timeline may be a bit 'off',as I might include her eating disorder earlier (or not, give me your feedback). So here it is.**

**Discliamer:Although I am a loyalcanadian...IDO NOT own Degrassi orany of the wonderfully complex characters.**

I wasn't so sure about myself anymore, I was having a hard time figuring out who I was. Before, I was 'Cause Girl' or 'Greenpeace', now I wasn't much of anything, was I? I couldn't remember the last time I felt truly passionate about something. Of course, it was likely to have been before the shooting.

Now I was Emma Nelson, ravine girl, but not for the reasons I had before. I was now one of Jay's many conquests, a bracelet collector, a blond bimbo. _What have I become? _Oh well, I was already in the van. I turned to face Jay, he smiled...or was that a smirk? It's not like Jay was a complete loser, I think in a way he was lost too. I think he felt abandoned, first by his father,thenby dear old Sean, and then came the slow lose of Alex. Sure, being with me in the van probably wouldn't be the boost those two needed in their relationship; but, she was slowly being lured towards Paige and her cronies, and there was no room in there for him. Of course, Jay and I had never actually talked about his feelings, actually, we didn't talk much at all.

"So we gonna do this, or what?" Jay asked, bringing me back tothe right time andplaceHe was unbuckling his pants, so I assumed he knew the answer already.

I smiled, "I am a fan of these bracelets, what are they? Handmade by Mr.Hoggart himself?"

"Uh huh, and completly safe for the rainforest, Greenpeace."

I cringed, closing my eyes tightly, "Don't call me that."

He shrugged, obviously not caring enough to inquire further. Moving closer to me, he reached his hands around my waist. I smelt his neck,a mix of his own odour and cologne. He ran his hands through my hair, mumbling into my ear, "I'm glad you changed your mind, _Emma_." Sure, he didn't call my Greenpeace, but the way he said my name had a distinctive mocking tone to it.

I pulled away, reaching down towards his waitline, removing both his paints and black silk boxers. The rest of the ordeal needs no explanation. Iwas awardedanother bracelet.

I walked out of the van, glancing back at Jay only for a moment. This was my third time in that damn van. I lied to my parents, I lied to my friends; but, its not like they knew who I was anymore. Everyone seemed like they had just forgotten about the shooting. Why couldn't I let go? Why was I one of the only kids at that whole school who couldn't get back to routine? Manny had her own life to attend to, and JT, Liberty, and Toby weren't exactly the shoulder to cry on that I needed. I was just was alone. _Alone_. It was one of the first times that I had admitted it to myself. I didn't have anyone, not even myself.

I knew the one person who would understand how I felt. The one person who would sit next to me, stroking my hair softly as I cried my heart out. Or at least this is what I had imagined him to be, until he himself chose his own comfort. I couldn't blame him, everyone needs a shoulder to cry one. I was bitter that, by opting to comfort himself, I was left sitting in my dark basement feeling as emotionless as humanly possible. This boy had been _the boy._ I wasn't his girl. Sean Cameron had moved on without me. He had left. He loved Ellie. He was in Wasaga Beach. He couldn't save me now. He was dead to me.

I went to bed that night feeling entirely empty. I couldn't even shed a tear. There's a point that people reach when they are so numb they can no longer feel: I, Emma Christine Nelson, had reached that point.


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, this is chapter two, obviously. I've incorporated some things about Emma that may not happen in order with the actual ravine timing. Just so you know, I don't think I'm going to include the Gonorrhea outbreak, because I thought it was ridiculous when it happened. However, if anyone can give me _good _reason to put it in, I will.**

**Also, this is not a romantically charged fanfiction. However, there will be a boy in Emma's life further into the story, and it may or may not be romantic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the amazing characters. _Crazy_, I know.**

I woke up the following morning feeling about the same as the previous night. I was reluctant to actually get out of bed, but I knew if I didn't mom would wake me up in about ten minutes anyway. So, I threw off my covers, turned off my fan, and shuffled my way to the shower. I took an extremely cold shower, I think it was my attempt to actual feel something.

After drying my body, applying my perfect make up, and blow-drying and styling my hair I was ready to get dressed. I chose a black spaghetti strap top with a denim mini, pairing it with black heels. This was after all the Emma Nelson people had gotten used to. I wasn't Greenpeace anymore, I was hot Emma. I saw the looks I got now, and with my abnormally long legs and blond hair it was, quite frankly, expected. It was a less obvious hot compared to, say, Manny.

I was trying to shed my past, which included the shooting and Sean Cameron. I think secretly I wanted him the entire time I was with Chris, and the entire time he was with Ellie. They say it's difficult to forget your first love, and I guess it's true.

So, I left the house that morning thinking retrospectively if I could have prevented losing myself. This unfortunately then led to thinking, retrospectively, about the shooting itself. Noone knew, but deep down I blamed myself for it all. It was me, after all, who had started the whole campaign to remove Rick in the first place; and, even though I backed off, I know that the stung still remained. I also didn't do enough to make him feel welcome. I knew what he did to Terri was horrible, but didn't he deserve a chance to be forgiven? Maybe I didn't give him that chance. And the number one reason why I was to blame? When he kissed me I made him feel like such a loser. Like he didn't have enough battery that day, Emma! If I could have calmly explained to him that even though I liked him as a friend, I was still in love with someone else. No. I had to be overly dramatic Emma. The moment kept flashing into my consciousness, almost as much as the actual shooting itself. Of course, I wouldn't let anyone else in on what had happened between Rick and I, because I didn't want the blame put on me. I didn't want everyone to know that it was all my fault.

I eventually reached the doors of Degrassi and was pulled out of my thoughts by the shrill, demanding voice of Liberty, "Emma! You agreed to play lead lady, did you not?"

I looked at her quizzically, "Yes..."

"Then would you care to explain to me where you were last night for rehearsal!"

Damn. I looked past her, hoping to maybe find an explanation somewhere. Unfortunately, the first thing I saw was Jay Hoggart, making out with Alex Nuez, against his orange Civic. I frowned, why did I even care?

"Emma!"

I shook my head, returning my attention to Liberty. "I'm so sorry! I tried to call your house, but you were already gone. Mom had to go to meeting at the last minute, and Snake already had plans with Joey. I got stuck babysitting Jack," I paused, taking my first breath of air. "I'm really sorry, Liberty. But, we have a rehearsal at five tonight, don't we?" She nodded. "I'll be there at four thirty. You can quiz me one my lines alone then if you want."

She smiled, apparently this was good enough for her. "Fine, but one more slip up, Em, and I will not hesitate to go back with Darcy as lead. Got it?"

"Crystal clear," I responded, plastering on a completely fake smile.

"Good. I'll see you at four thirty." With that said, she walked away; probably to go and pester someone else into insanity.

I took a deep breath, put back on the completely phony smile, and rushed by Jay's car.

First class that day happened to be English; and, apparently Mrs.Kwan thought today was a great day for expressive poetry. "Emma, care to start us off?"

I frowned, not knowing what she was talking about, "Excuse me?"

"Your poem. I'd like you to start us off."

Shit. I didn't have a poem. I meant to write it the night before, but things got out of hand again. I was such a screw up lately. "Actually, Mrs.Kwan, I would love to listen to some poetry first. You know, so I can get in the right...mood."

She looked at me filled with doubt,"Alright. Then," she looked at the list of names before her, "Toby, you're up."

Sighing, I took out a pen and my notebook, and began my feverish attempt some sort of poem that would show how expressive I could be. After ten minutes of sitting staring at the page, I scribbled something down. Apparently, right on time too, because Mrs.Kwan chose this as her moment to call me back up. "Have you heard enough poetry now to put you in the right mood, Emma?"

Forcing a tight grin, I responded, "I think so."

"Great. Please take your place at the front of the class."

I obeyed, walking to stand in front of her desk. Clearing my throat I began, "So, this is my poem, I guess:

Rose are red,

Violets are tainted,

I should be dead,

Instead, everyone acts as though I should be sainted."

There was scattered applause throughout the room, I assumed that everyone had become fairly uncomfortable. Good, they should be.

Finally, end of class came with the ringing of the bell. I stood up, gathered my books, and was half way out of the door when Mrs.Kwan stopped me. "Emma, can I have a minute?"

I closed my eyes, not turning around; I could tell by the tone in her voice that this wasn't going to be a good conversation. "Actually, I should be going. My locker is on the other side of the school and I have Algebra, and you know how he gets when you're late," I spurted out, barely taking time to breathe in between the lies.

"I'll write you a note," I sighed heavily, and turned to face her. "Emma, I'm worried about you. You just don't seem to be focused, your work is suffering..."

"I'm just stressed, that's all."

"I understand," she sighed, giving me a sympathetic smile. "However, you can only use the shooting as an excuse for so long. I've let you slide, but it ends today, Emma. Do you realize that your participation mark has dropped to 46?"

I shook my head. Somehow, I didn't care.

"It's not just that. Your mark over all is hovering in the low fifties; you used to be in the eightieth percentile!"

I forced a small smile, "I'll try harder."

"And your poem today...I think you should talk to someone."

"I'm fine," I responded fiercely through my clamped teeth. "Can I go now?"

She frowned, but waved her hand towards the door, indicating that I was indeed free. I spent the rest of the day drifting off into space. _Had I completely lost control?_ Why couldn't I focus, why didn't I care? Why, for the life of me, couldn't I prevent losing everyone I loved?

Jay and Silent Bob had arrived at the school earlier in the week, and Manny Santos herself was sucked into the limelight. I wasn't good enough, not that I tried. It seemed like the only attention being given to me from _anyone_ was at play rehearsals and the ravine. My life was spiraling, and as it did, people were getting of after each rotation.

I skipped lunch and supper that day; I just wasn't hungry. Besides, if there was one thing I could control in my life it was my food intake.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay. This chapter is longer than the others, 2135 words if you can believe it! Although it always looks smaller online, doesn't? Anyway, I'm happy about the direction I'm taking this in. So, read away!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEGRASSI!**

**Oh, and I divided the three scenes by dividers. Mmmkay?**

Three weeks later, and I was in about the same situation as I had been before. I still felt like I was caught up in some sort of tornado, but this one wasn't transporting me to a far away and magical land; no, this tornado was leaving me in Toronto. This tornado was forcing me to attend Degrassi, even though when I went I might have been better off somewhere else. It seems that no matter how many teachers expressed their growing concern in my plummeting marks; I still just sat blankly, often drifting off into silent slumber. I just didn't have the motivation to attempt school work, or even the Environmental Club anymore. So, I, Emma Nelson, was left to vacant thrills in a dingy van, with a guy who couldn't care less about how I felt.

That night I had the final dress rehearsal for the play; I couldn't wait for it to be over for good. I was tired of Liberty's endless tirades, JT's irritating one liners, and Manny's never-ending talk about, well, about herself.

"So, I was thinking, I look better in the emerald green dress than the black. What do you think? I mean, I know Alex is set to wear the green one, but I think if I just talked to Liberty..." Manny stopped, and let out an overly exaggerated sigh. "Em, are you listening to anything I'm saying?"

Truthfully, I had barely been conscious, I was feeling a little under the weather. I shook my head, looking up at a frowning Manny, "No, sorry. I'm just not feeling well."

She sat down next to me, looking concerned, "Are you alright? You've been a little distant lately."

Inside my head I laughed, _as if I had been the one who was distant_! Manny was one of those people who only paid attention to you when she needed you, you worked on her schedule. "I'm fine," I responded. "I'm just nervous. I mean, the play is tomorrow!"

She lightened up, smiling brightly, "You'll do great, Em. You're amazing! Seriously, I'm thinking maybe you should be the actor instead of me."

I smiled, "Manny, I could never live up to your...personality."

Laughing, she shook her hair. "You should come to The Dot with all of us after rehearsal. We're all going for burgers and shakes, it will be tons of fun."

I considered it momentarily,until I considered the fact that I had already gone five days without anything but celery; why would I want to ruin that now? I shook my head, "I have to study. I have a test tomorrow."

"What class?"

I paused before answering, trying to work out which class I had without her. "Uh, gym."

"You have a test in gym?" She asked, doubtfully.

"Yeah," I lied. "It's really more of a biology test though. It's all about the body and stuff."

"Okay," she replied. "Then, tomorrow?"

I nodded. Great, now I would have to think of an excuse to get out of that one. I had planned to celebrate after the show with Jay, in the ravine.

Play rehearsal was as boring as ever; I did manage to nail all of my lines though. So, luckily, I spared the wrath of Liberty for one night at least.

* * *

It was ten by the time I was out of full dress, and ready to go home. I had forgotten my coat and it was pretty cold out; so, as I walked down the street towards the bus stop I was glad to have Craig pull up beside me. "Hey, stranger!"

I turned around, "Hey, Craig."

"You look like you're freezing, get in the car," he said, reaching over to the passenger door to unlock it.

I threw my backpack into the backseat and jumped in. "Thanks, I forgot my coat."

He smiled, "I figured that much."

I nodded, turning to look out the window. I wasn't exactly sure what to say. So, after some akward silence I finally spoke, "How's Jimmy doing?"

"Great," he replied, looking over at me. "He doing awesome, actually. Should be back at school soon enough."

I nodded, looking back out the window.

"How about you?"

I turned to look at him; he had that concerned look in his eye. The same look that everyone seemed to be giving me lately. "What do you mean?"

He frowned slightly, "Em, you had a gun pointed straight at you. I can't imagine you could just get over that."

"I'm fine."

"I just don't see you around that often anymore."

"We both have lives, Craig. Besides, it's not like we've ever been best friends or anything," I said, mad that he was choosing this particular time to play the ' I care about Emma Nelson' card.

"True enough,"he replied. "But, if you need to talk or anything, I'm here. I mean, we have been there for each other through rough times before, right?"

"Yeah, but then you got popular, found girls, and suddenly the weird little blond girl wasn't important enough!"

"Em, it's not like that!" He fueled in his own defence. "You're like a sister to me!"

"Uh huh,"I fueled back doubtfully. "The sister who gets one phone call each year around Christmas!"

He pulled the car off to the side of the road. "This is crazy, Emma." I opened the car door, getting out. "What are you doing?"

"Walking," I stated simply enough.

"Emma," he sighed, "get back in the car."

"No."

"You live like fifteen blocks away."

"I like exercise."

"Why are we even fighting!" He exclaimed. "Listen, I didn't mean to offend you, or whatever. I know we kinda drifted apart, and all that, but I still want to make sure you're all right."

How ridiculous was it that Craig Manning suddenly wanted to help me out again? I turned away, mostly because I didn't believe him; Craig liked to play the hero. "I'll be okay," I choked out; but, suddendly I was extremely dizzy, and my vision was starting to black out.

"Emma, are you okay?"

I didn't get a chance to respond, as my legs were giving way, and I quickly fell the ground, completely unconscious. When I came to, my head was in Craig's lap as he lightly slapped my cheek. "Oh thank God, you're okay!"

I slowly shook my head, trying to comprehend the whole situation. I leaned on my hand, attempting to get up, and Craig lended an arm to help. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He asked, voice full of concern. "The hospital isn't far from here."

"I'm okay!" I exclaimed, then, noticing the shock in his face, I lowered my voice. "I just need to rest. I've been pulling killer hours, trying to do all my school work, help with Jack, and the play."

He frowned, speaking calmly, "You need to take a break. Just get in the car and I'll drop you off."

I relented, and got back into the passenger seat. The rest of the ride was completely silent, even though I knew Craig was dying to proclaim his concern for me. I was tired of people all of a sudden caring about me; so, when he finally stopped in front of my house, I grabbed my backpack and shut the door. There was nothing left to say.

* * *

The house was empty, but that seemed to be the usual state of it. I grabbed the note that was taped to the refrigerator; Snake and mom were spending the night at his mother's, they'd be home tomorrow to see the play. Well, it was a Friday night and when the parents are away the children are supposed to play. So, I grabbed my cellphone from my backpack, looked up a phone number and placed a call.

"Hey, Jay?"

I heard him chuckle, probably to himself, in the background, "If it isn't my favourite blond."

I smirked, "I thought Amy had that place in your heart."

"Nah," he replied, "Amy's a ho. You, you still have that little bit of innocence that guys crave."

I laughed, "Then, are you busy?"

"Sorta. I'm at Alex's, she's in the shower; but, if you're offering something up, then I'm game."

"I'm offering," I replied seductively.

"The ravine?"

I thought about it, but then remembered that it was fairly cold outside. "What about my place?"

He hesitated, I could tell he was really thinking it through, "Okay, I'll be there in twenty."

I smiled, "Great." I closed my phone, getting up to go look in the mirror. The skirt I was wearing really showed off my thighs, which were definitely not my best asset, so I changed into some looser fitting jeans, putting on a black loose fitting tank top. Finally, I looked in the mirror to fix my make up and hair which were still a bit messy from the incident with Craig.

True to his word, Jay showed up in exactly twenty minutes, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. He wasn't wearing his hat, which was a nice change. "Come in," I greeted, ushering him through the doorway onto the couch in the living room. "I'm glad you came," I told him. "I was feeling pretty bored."

He smirked, "Uh huh. So, how'd you get home so quick?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you and I were both at the rehearsal, and by all correct time calculations the bus wouldn't have you home until...now."

_Why did he care?_ "Craig drove me home," I stated, with my eyebrow raised, questioning him.

"Manning!"

"Yeah," I replied. "What does it matter?"

"You getting with him too?"

"No," I replied, astonished that, even if I was seeing Craig, Jay would care at all.

"Suuure," he said, disbelief dripping from his voice.

"I'm not," I answered with a little more venom in my own voice. "And, even if I were, why would you care?"

"I don't" he replied, as if suddenly realizing what he had been arguing with me about. "I wouldn't."

"Good," I said with finality, "because, you've made it more than clear that this has no 'personal' meaning, this is just an arrangement of sorts."

"Exactly," he stated, looking at me blankly. "You did make it more personal tonight though."

I stared at him, "How?"

"You brought me here. This is your house, Emma. This is not some van in the middle of some dirty ravine; this is yours."

"So what?"

"So, you wouldn't have brought me here if you didn't want this to get a little personal." He sighed, and turned away. "I don't know why I'm even here."

Furrowing my brow, I stood up. "Leave then. I don't care if you think this has some sort of alternative meaning! This is what it is, Jay. I asked you here, to do what we always do. Why? Because that's who I am, okay!" I was sweating, and starting to feel relatively unstable on my own two feet. "I'm a slut," I dead panned. I was shaking, staring at his back with fire in my eyes.

He sighed, turning to face me. His eyes widened, "Are you okay?"

"Just peachy," I replied sarcastically, while trying my hardest to stop from falling over. However, my eyesight was starting to get a bit patchy.

He started to walk towards me, and I tried my best to walk away; but, just as he went to grab my hand, my legs gave way and I collapsed to the floor. Luckily, this time I didn't fully pass out; if you can call that 'luck'. I went to sit up, and he crouched down to pick me up completely. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't; I was extremely tired, and just plain weak. "Where's your room?"

"Downstairs," I managed to mutter somewhat coherently.

He carried me all the way down to my room, and laid me gently onto my bed. He turned to leave, but before he had disappeared completely he muttered, rather sadly, "Eat something tomorrow, okay?"

I was positive that I had misheard him; how could he possibly know? Maybe it was just some lucky guess. And, why, all of a sudden, did Jay Hoggart give a damn about my well being?

**A/N: PLEASE REVIEW! I hate asking, but I really want to know if people are reading. I am really into this story, and have everything pretty much figured out right until the last word. However, I can see myself seriously losing interest if no one seems to care.**

**If you don't review I don't know if you're reading it.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the awesome feedback! I'm glad there are some people out there who like the story, haha. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

I woke up the next day groggy, and tired. I turned my sore, fully clothed, body over and glanced at my alarm clock; it was one p.m. I smiled, I guess I was tired. Frowning, I tried to ignore my growling stomach, and then remembered that Jay Hoggart had been in my room the night before. I also, unfortunately, remembered his last words to me.

It bothered me more than anything else had bothered me in a long time, and I wasn't even sure why. I mean, in a way it showed that he really, truly cared about me; but, maybe I didn't want that. Maybe I didn't want him to get too close, I had a track record of destroying anything or anyone who came close to me. Ask Rick, hell, you could probably ask Sean too.

I sighed, shuffling my heavy feet towards the shower. My body felt completely exhausted, the funny thing is that I had gotten about twelve hours of sleep the previous night. My guess was that I had just overslept, that's all that could be wrong with me. I was being totally health conscious, so I couldn't be sick or anything. However, despite my new focus on my health I still looked like the Pillsbury dough boy; why couldn't I have a better body? Sighing heavily, I undressed and entered the cold water of the shower, letting it hit me straight on the face.

All showered and ready for the day, I dried off and walked to the full length mirror in my bedroom. I tore off the towel and stared intently at my naked body; I was still too fat, and for some reason I looked extremely pale. It was a good thing that bronzer had been invented, at least I could fake a sunny exterior.

I turned my mirror to face the wall, and looked through my closet, settling on a white pair of jeans and a black and white stripped sweater. I quickly applied the bronzer, and some eyeliner, mascara, and lipgloss. Then, throwing on a thick white headband, I nodded into my bathroom mirror. Good enough for the day ahead.

* * *

It was four p.m, and I was backstage at the school, preparing for the play later that night. I was nervous as it was, and as I tried on my dark purple hat, my nervousness intensified as I noticed Jay approaching me. I smiled, ready to lie about the huge lunch I had earlier, but he didn't stop at me. I turned around quickly, letting the hat drop to the ground as Jay approached Alex, probably to wish her luck or something. I frowned, looking into the mirror and dabbing concealer onto to my under eye, hoping to rid myself of the dark circles. I accidently jabbed my forefinger into my eye when Manny snuck up behind me.

"Emma, we need to talk," she spouted, looking more serious than I had seen her in a long time.

"What is it, Manny? We have final rehearsal in ten minutes and I still want to review my lines one last time."

She shook her head, "Who are you kidding, Em? You know those lines better than anyone else," she paused, taking a seat next to me. "I'm worried about you."

I sighed, "Why?"

She looked at me with disbelief, "Are you serious? Em, I talked to Craig today." I stared at her, pretending like I didn't know what was coming next. "He told me about yesterday."

"Oh, so you're talking to Craig again?" I asked, changing the subject completely. "I guess we're ignoring the whole pregnancy thing now."

"Don't change the subject, Emma. You're in your own land lately, and it scares me. You're not the same anymore."

I rolled my eyes, fuming. "Of course I'm not, you idiot! I was almost killed. I had a gun pointed at me. Add to that, the fact that I am stressed beyond belief and you have a changed Emma!"

She looked hurt, "Why are you yelling at me? I didn't do anything."

"Exactly," I stated coldly. "Did you ever stop to see how I _really_ was. No, as soon as possible it was back to the old Manny, only caring about herself and her own problems."

Her chin was wobbling as her tears welled up, "That's not true."

I sighed, "Whatever, Manny. I have to go get ready, go try and save someone else's life."

At this, I turned and walked over to costume, letting her sit and think. No doubt, she was thinking now, not about me fainting and freaking on Craig the day before, but about how now her feelings were hurt.

* * *

We were halfway into the rehearsal and everything had been going okay, everyone was remembering their blocking and lines. It was moving at a decent pace, and I couldn't be happier for this. I was just about to go into the kiss when there was a slamming of a door in the back. I jumped, as did everyone else as Alex came storming from the back, in full dress, with a killer look in her eye.

She stormed up to Amy, who was currently standing out of the way on the other side of the stage. "Hey, best friend Amy! How about you tell me all about the ravine? How about you tell me about going down on my boyfriend, Amy? How about all the bracelets he gave you?" Then, with all the power she could probably muster, she punched her, knocking her down completely.

I quickly slide my bracelets off and into by bodice, hoping no one would notice; but, it looked as though my leading man had noticed, as he was now giving me a look of utter disgust. I turned away from him, looking instead to where Jay stood holding his hands up in the air, "Alex, why don't we go outside?" He spoke loudly, obviously trying to calm her down.

"No!" She screamed as he went to grab her arm. "You screwed up, we're over!" She yelled, as she stormed out of the auditorium.

Jay looked around at everyone, he looked absolutely lost. "Well, I hope you all enjoyed the show! Show's over. Get your asses back to whatever the hell you were doing!" He exclaimed, running both his hand over his eyes to the base of his chin, letting out a long sigh and marching out towards the door; no doubt in pursuit of her.

"Alright!" Liberty exclaimed, quieting all of the cast down. "Enough excitement for tonight. Now, everyone, it's currently five p.m, we are on at six thirty; so, how about we finish the last fifteen minutes of this rehearsal. Then, I want everyone back stage so I can address any problems. Then, final makeup and wardrobe adjustments...then showtime!"

"So, we ended with the kiss," J.T. spoke up.

* * *

It was showtime, and I felt absolutely nauseous, which was probably caused by genuine nerves this time. The lights came on and there I was, on the stage, the lights beaming down on me. I suddenly felt really hot, but I continued on, despite my increasing faintness.

I fought off my nerves, and my physical willingness and got back to the kissing scene. I had yet to kiss him, as we skipped the kiss during rehearsal. We leaned in and he pulled us off to the side, more of an intense hug. I was completely thrown off. "What are you doing?" I hissed into his ear.

"Just go with it," he retorted, continuing with his lines.

I couldn't 'just go with it', I felt completely lost. I didn't know what to do. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, as I continually opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I was so embarrassed! Tears started welling up in my eyes, as I stood staring at everyone in the crowd, panic increasing within myself. Liberty was right, I couldn't do this. I was unstable, I was a mess, I was a complete and utter mess. I ran off stage, still in full dress.

"Emma!" Liberty exclaimed. "What are you doing? Get back on that stage!"

I shook my head, tears falling from my now blood shot eyes. "I...can't," I stuttered out, trying to breathe between sobs.

She sighed heavily, turning to J.T., "I told you she couldn't!" She quickly went onto the stage in her normal clothing, ready to perform the role herself.

I quickly glanced at J.T. before I ran out, he just shook his head, looking at me like I was some train wreck. I ran, faster than I've ever ran; I didn't know where I was running to. I just knew that I didn't want to be there. I ended up outside the school, where I let out a loud, frustrated scream, "You are such a fuck up, Emma Nelson!" I flopped myself onto the curbed bringing my knees up to my chest and burrowing my head into the dress. I took the bracelets out of my bodice and threw them onto the ground. _What was happening to me?_

I rubbed my eyes, not paying any attention to the mascara that smeared all over my pale, sickly skin. That's when I noticed a familiar orange Civic parked at the far end of the lot; I hiked up my skirt and started walking towards it.

"Emma!" It was my mom and Snake, coming out of the doors of Degrassi. Instead of turning back to them, I quickened my pace, going into a full out sprint. "Emma, let's go home. We can talk about what's bothering you!" Inside my head I laughed, it took me having a mental break down on stage for them to actual 'talk' to me about any of my problems.

I reached the car, and threw open the door. "Let's go." I pulled my huge dress into the car, making sure not to leave any of it stuck in the door. "What are you waiting for?" I demanded, noticing my parents starting to jog towards the car.

Jay obliged, turning on the car and quickly peeling out of the parking lot. The radio was playing a song that seemed to go perfectly with this moment in my life, even I had to smile at the irony.

_What if I wanted to break  
Laugh it all off in your face  
What would you do? (Oh, oh)  
What if I fell to the floor  
Couldn't take all this anymore  
What would you do, do, do?_

Jay quickly turned it off, "Em..."

I turned to him; I must have looked so pathetic. Here I was with makeup smeared all over my face, my hair all perfectly done, my breathing quick, and in a huge, but beautiful gown. I really was a mess. I turned away, choosing instead to stare at the yellow lines passing quickly below me on the pavement. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to forget where I was, what I was doing, and where I had been.

I don't know how long I stayed frozen like that, but when I finally opened my eyes I was facing water. We were at a beach. Lake Ontario. I smiled, only slightly. I turned to Jay, "I'm not going swimming."

He screwed up his face, "God no. Any sane person would not swim here. Do you know how polluted this place is?"

I chuckled a little, it even surprised me, "Yes, actually I do. I held a rally in fifth grade."

He smirked, "Hey, Greenpeace?"

I let the nickname slide...this time, "Yeah?"

"Let's get out of this car." He opened his door, jogging in front of the car to open mine.

"My my, Jay Hoggart, a gentleman. What will the people think?" I teased him, with mock laughter in my voice.

He grabbed my hand to help me out of the car, "Yeah yeah, Princess."

We walked to the white sands of the beach and sat next to each other. It was silent for awhile, while the winds blew threw my hair, it was cold. Jay sensed that I was cold, and slide his windbreaker over my shoulders. I smiled, "Thanks."

He nodded, "You're not wearing your bracelets," he stated, looking down at my wrist.

"Nope." I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say.

"Why not?"

"Well, now that people know how Amy earned hers, I don't exactly want to be that girl," I replied honestly.

He sighed, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, trying to figure out what exactly he was apologizing for.

He chuckled, "The ravine." I looked at him calmly, imploring for him to continue. "I should have never brought you there, you're better than that."

I shook my head, turning to face to water. "What if I'm not."

"You are!" He exclaimed. "You deserve more than some dirty van, with a serial cheater."

I was tired of people acting like I was some fragile doll who couldn't make any decisions for herself! "Jay, if I didn't want to be in the van with you I wouldn't have been." I paused, taking a deep breath. "You want to know the truth? I liked being with you, maybe not the _act _itself, but I like being with you. People have been looking at me lately like I could snap at any moment. When I was with you, in the van, you treated me like I wasn't insane."

He nodded, "So, what happened tonight?"

"I freaked," I stated. Clearly this wasn't a good enough explanation for him, as he stared at me intently, his eyes beckoning me to elaborate. "I just, couldn't do it. The guy I was supposed to kiss wouldn't kiss me."

"So?" He asked, obviously very confused. "Big deal. Do you like him or something?" As he asked his voice seemed to raise, displaying his obvious discontent of the possibility.

"No," I answered. "Not one little bit; but, I knew right then he was judging me. Everyone in there was judging me. They were all thinking it."

"Thinking what?"

"That I was some fuck up who couldn't even remember her lines," I replied. I shook my head, looking towards the waves in the water, rather than Jay himself. "I just stood there like some idiot! I couldn't speak, I opened my mouth and nothing came out. It was awful."

"That's it?" He asked in disbelief.

"Never mind. I knew you wouldn't get it," I sighed, getting up to walk back towards the car.

He pulled me back down, "Sit." I obeyed. "You're making this into something bigger than it is. It's not like your girlfriend outed you as a lying, cheating scumbag in front of everyone."

"True," I agreed, looking at him. "Are you okay?"

He sighed, "Yeah. I mean, we were together forever though, you know? We had something."

"That's always nice to find," I replied, wondering if I would ever truly get that experience.

"But," he continued, "we both knew it was coming to an end. This Amy thing was just a reason for it to end. She has Paige and her cronies, she just needed the opportune time to ditch me."

"I'm sorry," I offered honestly.

"Yeah," he smiled, looking at me, "but it's over." He paused, shuffling closer to me. "We really are fuck ups."

I laughed, "I think we might be."

He pulled me in closer, wrapping his arm around my waist. I rested my head on his shoulder. "You're going to be okay," he stated in a hushed voice. "You know that right?"

I nodded my head slowly, but the truth was I wasn't so sure. One thing I was sure about though was that when I was with Jay I had this odd feeling, a feeling I was convinced was security.

It was a bit weird though, the whole situation; any idea in my mind of who Jay really was, was being completely shattered. He shattered that even more by placing a light kiss on the top of my head. "You'll be fine, Greenpeace."

**A/N: It took me a while to figure out how the Jay/Emma scene was going to go. I had about four different scenes. And, no, he hasn't forgotten about the eating thing, but this just wasn't the right moment for it.**

**Anyway, please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I love all of my reviewers! So many positive, encouraging notes! Anyway, I've been gone for awhile.I'm sorry it took so long to update. I only have a computer at my dad's, and I was spending a lot of time with my mom. Anyway, I have every chapter pretty much planned until the end. This chapter helps build the relationship between Jay and Emma, I think. Now I'm back...with a new chapter!**

**Also, I need to apologize for any spelling errors. My WordPerfect is dead, and I didn't want to make everyone wait super long for a new chapter. Sorry. I hope it will revive itself for the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything!...relating to Degrassi.**

It was two o'clock in the morning by the time I arrived at home. Still ridiculously dressed in the big purple gown, I tried my best to squeeze threw my bedroom window. The situation was probably hilarious to witness; unless you were my parents waiting on the other side. Noticing them sitting on my bed with a cup of coffee each and stern looks, I quickly tumbled out, into the laundry sink. I sighed heavily, lifting myself out, and looking towards my parents. "Where were you?" Snake asked quickly.

I frowned, "Out."

"With who?" He questioned, even though he already knew the answer.

"Jay," I replied flatly. I didn't think they had any right at all to question my company. "We just went to the beach, it isn't a big deal. It's not even a school night!" I exclaimed, trying to defend myself against the lecture I knew was just around the corner.

Mom smiled slightly, it was clearly one of her forced, polite grins. "Em," she began quietly, "We're just concerned."

"I'm fine."

"We haven't talked in a while..."

"You haven't been around enough for us to do that, have you?" I retorted, not willing be a silent partner in this ambush.

"No," she stated simply. "No, we haven't; but, that is going to change. We'll be here a lot more now, for you, Emma."

"I don't want you to be around more!" I exclaimed. Truthfully, I wasn't sure what was making me so mad. My parents were doing all they could, but maybe it was too late. I didn't need them now, I had too much on my mind; and, I had other people to confide in. "I'll be fine."

"Emma," Archie sighed while mom started to cry. "Jay Hoggart is not someone you want to make friends with."

I smirked, in a very Jay-like way, "Too late. Now, if you don't mind, I want to be alone."

"Emma, you're not yourself lately. You're cold, distant, you're clearly moody..."

This time, rather than losing my cool, I plastered on a fake smile. "I'm sorry about earlier. I've just been really stressed lately..."

"Is there anything we can do?" Mom offered.

I shook my head, thinking in my mind that I should get some sort of award for the show I was putting on for them. "I just need some space. Now that the play is done I should be okay."

Mom smiled, pulling me into a hug. I hugged her back, looking over her shoulder at Archie; he didn't look so convinced by my act. I averted his eyes as he and mom left the room.

I sighed heavily, plopping onto my bed. _Emma Nelson, what is so special about you that all these people actually care about you?_ If they knew the real you, the one who didn't feel anything for them, they wouldn't be so sympathetic. They would hate you. They should hate you.

BREAK-BREAK-BREAK (Ruler tool is broken.)

I woke up the next morning sweating, and it took me a minute or so to realize why I was so warm; I was still in the gown. I closed my eyes tightly, remembering everything that had happened the previous night. I sighed, rolling out of bed. I quickly tore off the dress and threw on a pair of old plaid pyjama pants and a grey wife beater. Rather than staying in my room for the day like I would much rather have done, I shuffled up the stairs, coming face to face with the smiling faces of my parents.

"Emma!" My mom exclaimed, enthusiastically. "Snake made you your favourite breakfast. Blueberry pancakes."

I grimaced just thinking about the calories those suckers contained.

"Something wrong?" Snake asked, "I can make you something else if you want."

Smiling, I lied, "No, I've been craving these forever!"

We sat around the table, being the typical, all-Canadian family. When mom and Snake did their best to keep up conversation with me, I obliged by randomly nodding or smiling in agreement. Truthfully, the only thing going through my mind was the calorie count. I was starting to worry about the potential weight gain created by this breakfast alone; and, about all the hard work and discipline that had been sacrificed just to get my parents off my back.

With the breakfast stomached, I quickly excused myself from the table. I ran down to my room and stood on the scale: 109 pounds. I was still way to fat, and that meal alone had definitely set me back. I started to panic. _Why had I given into them?_ I should have just made an excuse as to why I couldn't eat. I should have picked a fight to distract them. Oh well, it was too late. I closed my eyes tightly, and tried to relax my mind which was going a mile a minute. I quickly threw off my pyjamas and threw on my spandex work out shorts and white lycra tank top; I needed to burn calories, quick.

So, I jogged up the stairs and out the front door. Once outside I went full throttle, not bothering to pace myself; so, when I hit the four kilometre mark I shouldn't have been surprised by the shortness of breath and pain I was experiencing in my chest. I rested by hands on my knees as I stood trying to catch my breath; I still hadn't worked out enough. I tried to push myself even harder, but I hit the wall. Collapsing onto the plush terrain off to the side of the road, I was surprised to hear the familiar sound of a sixteen speaker system. I lifted my body up with my two elbows and squinted, through the sunlight, into the open window of the orange Civic. "Hey...Jay," I panted, trying my best to control my more than jagged breathing.

"Greenpeace, hey. Do you always find it wise to take a tortruous run the morning after an emotionally draining experience?" He smirked, opening the door to the passenger side.

"Thanks," I replied, smiling slightly.

"No problem. Here," he said, tossing me a bottle of water. "I went to your house and your mom said she saw you leave for a run."

"So you brought me water?" I asked, smirking. "That was very sweet of you, Jason"

"Haha. I just thought I'd save you from dehydration. I saw Alex dehydrate once, it was disgusting," he replied, obviously trying to play it off that he was always doing people favours.

"So, why were you at my house?"

"Well," he began somewhat hesitantly as we began driving. "I just wanted to see how you were." I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it, "Don't read into this, Greenpeace. I just wanted make sure you hadn't went completely bonkers."

I smiled, "You care about me."

He grinned in disbelief and shook his head, "I'm not completely heartless."

"Visit the Emerald City lately?"

He laughed, "Looks like someone's got their humour back."

Frowning, I looked out the passenger window. "Only when I'm with you." Realizing what I had just said, we both took the silent route.

We drove for about thirty minutes until we came to an old abandoned parking lot. "Where are we?" I asked, looking around for a clue.

"There used to be a mattress factory here," he said, pointing towards a demolished old building. "Now, there is only this old parking lot."

I nodded, "Okay." I racked my brain trying my hardest to find a reason for us being here.

"My dad taught me how to drive here when I was eleven," he stated, looking around as if in a state of remembrance. "When's your birthday?"

"Why?"

"Well, at sixteen you get your G1." (For you Americans, the G1 is basically your beginners. It allows you to drive with an experienced driver.)

"I'm fifteen," I replied. "I have an August birthday."

He nodded, "Get out."

I looked at him shocked, "What?" In my mind, I thought he had planned to leave me here in the middle of nowhere.

"Don't look so worried," he laughed, getting out of the car himself.

I got out walking to the front of the car where he met me, "What are we doing?"

"Get in the driver's seat," he insisted. I, however, just stood there. "Come on, it'll be fun. I bet your parents haven't taken you out yet, right?"

I reluctantly nodded my head, and walked over to the driver's door. Sliding into the seat, I let out a long gust of air that I hadn't even realized I'd been holding in. "What do I do?"

He laughed good naturadly, "First, put on the seatbelt. Then, take it out of park." I reached over my shoulder to where the grey seatbelt sat, buckling up, I then looked to the shifter. I saw the 'P', and assumed that it was indeed the park. He saw my doubt, and responded, "Press the button on the end, and then bring it up to drive. It's an automatic, don't worry." I brought it up to drive, and felt the car was ready to go. I took a big gulp of air, and placed my hands on the steering wheel, at ten and two. "Give it a little gas." Unaware of how much a little was, I pressed my foot down hard, which jerked us forward quickly. I started to tear up, it was a lot harder than it looked. "Don't quit on me know," Jay stated. "Try putting your foot down lighter, make it more gradual." I nodded, putting my foot back slower.

"How's this?" I asked, at we did about ten kilometres around the lot.

"Good," he replied, smiling.

We drove around for awhile more, until I was able to do about fifty, and loving it. We stopped and got out of the car, walking over to a soft patch of grass near the woods. Sitting down, I turned to look at Jay, "How was I?"

He grinned, "You were good. Who knows, you may someday beat me in a drag race."

"Uh huh," I replied laughing. "Thanks."

"For what?"

I sighed, "For taking my mind off everything."

Nodding, he replied, "Ditto."

"Who would have ever thought the two of us would become friends," I stated, laughing at the thought of super environmentalist, Emma hanging out with resident bad boy, Jay.

"We're friends?"

I paused, looking at him like he was insane. "Duh!" I playfully pushed him. He responded by tackling me to the ground. We play fought for awhile, which ended with me on the ground being tickled. "Stop!" I gasped. "I give up!" He stopped, and looked at me. We were in a fairly compromising position, with him straddling me from above. I smirked, he smiled.

He leaned forward, pressing his lips against mine. It wasn't a forceful, heavy kiss; it was a light, sweet kiss. I sat shocked, when he pulled away; I had never experienced a kiss with him like that before. It was so innocent, so real. I was speechless.

He looked shocked himself, turning away from me. I smiled, getting up and moving closer to him. "My my, what would Degrassi say?"

Laughing, he put his arm around my shoulders. "I'm never against shaking things up at Degrassi."

"True, very true. So, what's the deal, Hoggart?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, looking at me confused.

"Who's the real Jay?"

He smirked, "I'm like an onion."

I laughed, "Good answer...Shrek."

"I'm serious," he replied. "I mean, at first people just see me as some criminal, or something. Most people think I'm this big loser, right? Well, then when you get over that layer, you get this. I guess."

"You know, this could be your first layer."

"What about you?" He asked, looking at me seriously.

"What about me?"

"Who is the real Emma Nelson?"

"You're looking at her," I replied. "There isn't much to know."

"I beg to differ."

"Beg away, but what you see is what you get."

"No," he stated simply. "You have even more layers than I do. You have this good girl, lost girl thing going on in the eyes of almost everyone. They see you as some sort of princess."

I shook my head, "That isn't true."

"It is," he replied. "Sure, you've hit a rough patch, and they all see that; but, they still see you as this innocent, fragile thing."

"What do you see?" I asked him. "What do you see in me?"

"Well, you're complicated," he responded seriously, removing his arm. "Sometimes you're this outgoing, vivacious girl, who jokes around a lot. Then," he paused, looking straight into my eyes, "you're also this girl who's completely broken down. You try and seem all put together, but you're falling apart at the seams."

I started to tear up, and he looked away. "Em, I know what's going on."

"What do you mean?" I asked, knowing exactly what he meant.

"What did you eat today?"

"Pancakes," I replied. I didn't even have to lie.

"And then you ran yourself into exhaustion," he stated flatly.

I turned away, "This is ridiculous," I sighed, getting up to leave.

"Emma, you need help."

"What do you know about me Jay!" I yelled, looking at him angrily. Our conversation had taken a complete 180 degree turn. "Do you really know anything about me!" I yelled out at him, "My favourite band? What's my middle name? What movie makes me cry every time I see it?"

He stood up, putting his hands in the air as a sign of defence. "You're right, I barely know anything about you; but, I do know you need help."

My head started spinning, what did he know? I stormed away, willing to walk all the way home if I had to. He didn't know anything about me. There was nothing wrong with me. I wasn't sick; I was stressed and health conscious! I couldn't help if we lived in a fast food nation!

"Katie died!" He blurted out, I whipped around, staring at him in confusion. He looked defeated, "My sister," he stated simply.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, barely able to get the words out.

"I was twelve, she was seventeen. I wasn't always a badass you know."

"I don't see how any of this relates to me."

He sighed, rubbing his face, "She was an anorexic. She died, because she wouldn't eat. No matter how much I wanted her to, no matter how many times I begged her, she wouldn't."

I blinked quickly, staring at someone who know seemed like a completely different person to me. "I'm sorry to hear that," I replied simply. "But, I'm not anorexic. I'm just..."

"Health conscious?" He supplied. "Yeah, Katie was to."

"I'm just trying to lose weight," I deadpanned.

He sighed, walking over to me. "I know, but you're making yourself sick."

"Maybe I haven't been eating as much as I should, but I'm not anorexic," I stated icily.

"Then you'll start eating more?"

I grimaced, putting on a fake smile, "Yeah. I mean, you're making way too big of a deal out of this. Really, I'm fine."

He sighed, 'Fine. Come on, let's get you home. It's getting cold, and you're a little underdressed."

I nodded, following him back to the car.

It was a fairly silent ride, as neither one of us spoke for a good fifteen minutes. I was mad at him for acting like I was sick. He was the one person I could count on to treat me normal, and now that was changed. On the other hand, I was relieved. I was glad that someone actually payed enough attention to me to care. I was also confused. Did the kiss we share mean something special? Would our dynamic now change? I was awakened from my deep train of thought when I looked over at Jay. He looked like a completely different person. Then I thought about what he had said earlier, '_I wasn't always a badass you know. _'

"Jay," I said quietly.

He turned to face me briefly, before averting his eyes back to the road. "Yeah?"

"Can you tell me about Katie?"

He sighed, running his right hand through his hair. "There really isn't much to say, Em."

I bit my lip, turning again towards the window. I didn't want to pry where I didn't belong; but, really, he had been the one to involve her in our friendship.

"She was my bestfriend," he finally stated, and I looked back over to him. "I mean, she was older than me, but she still treated me as an equal. When we were younger she would always bring me places with her."

"What happened?" I asked.

"When she entered highschool everything changed," he sighed heavily, as if the memory pained him. "She had less time for me. She started dating and all that, I guess."

I nodded, understanding how people often grew apart as they got older; I guess that was me and Manny. "You said she was an anorexic..."

"Yeah," he replied. "When she was fifteen she started working out like crazy. We all thought she was just trying to get in shape or something. I mean, she was never fat or anything. Then, she started skipping supper with the family, which wasn't normal for her." He stopped talking, and looked over at me. I stared straight back at him, emploring for him to continue. "Well, a year had passed and she was exercising even more; it was like an obsession or something. She started snapping at everyone too. Before it all she was the picture of sweetness, but she did a complete one-eighty. Then, my parents got concerned. She denied having a problem, and ended up just secluding herself. She, at this point, was probably ninety pounds; so, my parents brought her to the health centre. They diagnosed her as an anorexic, but it didn't help."

"Why not?"

"She wouldn't eat. No matter how hard everyone tried to tell her she was dying, she wouldn't listen. So, on her birthday, she died."

"How?"

"Heart failure," he replied simply.

"Oh, Jay," I replied sympathetically. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Everything changed after that. My parents couldn't handle it. So, my dad split; he calls at Christmas. I went from straight 'A', perfect son, to what you see before you."

"That's awful," I replied. "I know what it's like not to have a dad."

"You have Simpson," he said, looking confused.

I nodded, "Sure, but he's my step-dad. My real dad, well..."

"Deadbeat?" He asked.

"No," I replied, shaking my head. "No, he's in the hospital; the mental health clinic in Stouffville. He was on LSD, and fell, hit his head."

He sighed, "You know, there's a lot more to you than I could have ever imagined."

I smiled sadly, "Back at ya."

"We really are fuck ups," he stated.

"By circumstance," I replied back at him.

We drove for about five more minutes, until we arrived at my house. "So, I'll see you around?" I asked.

He nodded, leaned over and kissed me lightly on the top of my head. "You'll be fine."

I nodded, opening the door to get out. He waited until I got to the front door until he drove off, all sixteen speakers blaring. I entered the empty house, and heading straight for the computer. I came away knowning only one thing; I had to be careful around Jay. I went online and checked the calorie count of two blueberry pancakes, and wrote it down in an empty spiral ring notebook.

One thing was for sure, I had blown my diet today.


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay. Sorry it took so long to update! Let's just say my life kind of sucks right now. However, I've finished this chapter, and the next is half done. **

**Warning: There is a sex at the end of this chapter, and if you don't want to read it you can just skip it, and go on to read the next. It will be the only sex scene in the story, and I thought it was needed. Just a warning.**

**Disclaimer: D'er!**

"Okay, favourite colour?" Jay asked, while we sat on the hood of his car.

"Pink," I answered truthfully. "Hey!" I exclaimed when I saw him break into a large grin. "No laughing! You promised."

Jay and I had been hanging out casually like this for about two weeks; and, we had done it successfully without any big dramatic breakdowns. We had become friends, in the most sincere sense of the word. Almost everyday was dedicated to being together; it was definitely the talk of Degrassi. Of course, it warranted the occasionally death stare from Alex, the disgusted glance from Paige, and the confused look of my father. I couldn't help but shrug them all off. No one else in the entire school had cared enough about me when I started going downhill. Sure, our friendship had started off as some cheap thrills in a gross old van; but, it had somehow blossomed into something real. We both got each other; we knew we weren't perfect, and we accepted the faults.

However, there was still one fault that Jay couldn't truly accept, as he didn't know it to it's full extent. I felt bad knowing that he was being completely truthful and open to me, and I was hiding a secret that I knew would kill him. On the other hand, I still didn't think what I was hiding was that big of a deal. I knew that Jay would freak out if he knew about my calorie counting book, or my daily five mile run, or even my 'thinspiration' book of beautiful, and perfect bodies; but, I also knew it was only because of his sister. I wasn't an anorexic, so he didn't really have much reason to worry.

"Looks like another day is about to begin, Greenpeace."

I looked around at the school parking lot, and sure enough the hoards of mindless teenage drones were swarming the doors of Degrassi. "Grrreat," I replied, sarcasm dripping heavily from the word.

"Come on, Em, it won't be that bad." I looked at him like he had two heads; surely this wasn't Jay Hoggart speaking to me. "Who am I kidding? It'll blow, but let's get it over with. You're still coming out with me after school, right?"

I nodded, "Of course, Jason. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

He let out an over exaggerated sigh, "You know I hate being called that..."

"I know," I replied laughing, "that's why it's so much fun!" I grabbed the hat off his head, and started jogging towards the school entrance. "Come on, Hoggart! You wouldn't want to be late now, would you?"

He shook his head, laughing. "I'm gonna get you, Nelson!"

School had gone by unnaturally slow that day. I had about five minutes left of Ms.Kwan's English, and then I was free to go. I frowned, staring at the clock and tapping my pencil on my desk, to no particular beat; somehow, this was starting to look like a Britney Spears video.

"Emma."

I turned to face the voice, which this time happened to belong to Manny. "What?"

She forced a small smile, "What are you doing after school today?"

I must have looked humourous then, as I was staring at her like she had three heads. I mean, Manny and I hadn't talked since the day of the play; so, I was thrown off when she all of a sudden she was casting herself into best friend mode. I momentarily considered giving it a chance, until I remembered I had told Jay we were hanging out. "I'm hanging out with Jay," I replied honestly.

"Come on, Em!" She pleaded. "You're always with him. I mean, it's not like you're dating or anything, are you?"

I laughed, thinking how ridiculous the suggestion was. Jay and I could never be in a romantic relationship. Although, we still hadn't discussed the kiss that had taken place two weeks earlier; not that it had meant much anyways. I mean, we had done _much_ more than that before. I'm sure if it had meant anything special to Jay he would have mentioned it.

"Em?"

I must have been sitting silent for awhile, because when Manny finally snapped me out of thought the bell had just rung. "Oh, sorry," I replied quickly, "I was just thinking."

"About Jay?" She teased playfully.

"No," I lied. "Uh, Manny...I'd love to talk, but I have to get going."

She nodded, "Okay. I'll call you?"

I nodded, "Yeah. Okay."

So, maybe Manny and I were friends again. Truthfully, we had never stopped being friends; it was our way to get into fights every now and then. Who could forget the infamous Manny is a whore and Emma is a prude war of 2003? I smiled to myself, going to my locker. Maybe you truly don't know how much you miss something until you have it back.

I left the school, and walked to meet Jay at his car. "Where are you taking me, Hoggart?" I questioned playfully, as I approached him.

"You know, Greenpeace, you're getting a little too forceful lately."

I laughed, as we both got into the car. "The competition scaring you?"

Smirking, he replied, "Nah. I figure I'm still a bit scarier than you. So, where are we off to?"

I thought for a minute and then quickly replied, "The park about a block from my house."

He frowned, "Why?"

"Because I said so. Annnd, I wouldn't mind swinging."

"Kinky," he responded, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Very funny, Hoggart," I laughed, hitting his arm lightly.

We arrived at the park about fifteen minutes later, and walked directly over to two available swings. Predictably, the park was full of children with the stay at home moms and dads, and a few babysitters. I smiled, sitting on the swing. "You know, as much time as I spend tending to Jack, I still love kids."

"I dunno..."

I turned to face him, "What? You don't like kids?"

He sighed, "It's not that I don't like them. They're just messy."

I laughed, "I didn't take you as a neat freak."

He frowned seriously, "Have you seen the inside of my car?" I couldn't argue with that; Jay's car was the picture of organization with labeled cd sections and not one piece of garbage. He chuckled slightly before speaking again, "When I was real little, probably around four or five, my parents brought me in to a therapist. They thought I was OCD or something..."

"Were you?"

"Nah. Turns out I was just the cleanest child in Toronto."

I laughed, trying to picture a little Jay Hoggart. "That's funny."

We sat swinging, trying to compete to see who could go the highest for about ten minutes. Finally, after Jay had almost swung himself over the top bar, we started to slow down. "Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Why'd you kiss me?"

He stopped abruptly, digging his feet into the sand. "What?"

I slowed down beside him, eventually stopping completely. "When we went driving...why did you kiss me?"

"Uhhh..." He looked like he was searching desperately for the right words, and I immediately regretted bringing it up at all.

"Never mind," I replied. "I mean, I know it wasn't like some big romantic gesture or anything." He opened his mouth to speak, and I cut him off, "Actually, Manny asked today if we were a couple. Isn't that hilarious? I mean, just imagine."

He turned away, and for a second I thought I could hear him swear under his breath; but, when he turned back around he was smirking. "Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous."

"I mean, both of us are still hung up on our exes. You and Alex just ended, and I..."

"Still like Chris?" He asked, clearly surprised.

I sighed, turning away from him. _Why did I always do this to myself_. "No."

"Then, who?" Before I had a chance to reply, his eyes lit up in realization. "Cameron."

I nodded, tears starting to swell up slightly. "I don't know why..."

"Because he broke your heart."

"Then, I shouldn't love him at all, right?"

"Nah," he replied. "It doesn't work like that. He left you when you still loved him, so, the feelings are still there." He sighed, "You guys never really resolved anything."

"No," I agreed. "It's hard to resolve when he runs away to Wasaga..."

"Em, he was with Ellie when he left."

"But..."

"But nothing. He wasn't with you when he left."

I sighed, and rubbed my wet eyes with the back of my hands. "You're right."

He nodded, getting off the swing. I was about to do the same when he came up behind me to give me a little push. I laughed, as he continued, and I began to help out by pushing and pulling my body in the right motion.

Later the same day I stood standing in front of my mirror.It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to achieve the perfect body it didn't work. At this particular moment I was scrutinizing my arms; no matter how many pushups I did, I couldn't get rid of that fat on the one part of both my arms. I had consulted every weight loss book at the library, and none of them could help me. So, the only thing to do was to work harder.

At this point, I barely ate anything at all. The only thing I permitted myself was water and celery; so, in my mind, celery was the reason for my flawed arms. Besides the celery diet, I was running a solid five kilometres, daily. My mom couldn't stop raving about my will power to run daily, and I fed off the positive feedback.

Finally, I turned away from the mirror, and walked towards my closet. Jay was supposed to pick my up at eight, and it was all ready seven thirty. I couldn't decide on what to wear, as everything in my closet made me feel and look disgusting. Annoyed with my lack of selection, I finally settled on a loose-fitting, off the shoulder, white sweater, and a pair of jeans. Next, I moved onto the hair, which was lifeless. No matter how much volumizing shampoo I used, or how many times I blow-dried it upside down, it was always super flat. So, rather than fighting with it, I put it in two simple braids. With make up already done, I made my way up the stairs to where my parents sat in the living room.

"Em, there's leftover lasagna in the fridge. We missed you at supper again," my mom told me, as she flicked through all one hundred and twenty channels.

"I ate right after school," I lied.

"Well, that was awhile ago," Snake stated, looking over to me. "Why don't you have just a bit."

I sighed, "I'm leaving in about five minutes. If I get hungry we'll go eat. I promise."

My mom smiled, looking over to me. "Okay, sweetie. It's just that with all the running you've been doing, we want to make sure you're taking in enough energy."

I plastered on a fake smile, "Mom! I'm fine, I swear. I'm not stupid..."

"We know," my mom replied.

"Then, trust me. I'm doing all the calculations to make sure I take in enough calories. Okay?"

She nodded, "Alright. Just making sure."

"Thanks," I replied. "But, my ride will be here any minute, so I really should go."

Nodding, she returned her attention to the show in front of her.

I walked to the door, and slipped on my white ballet flats. Just as I opened the door, Jay drove up in front of my house and honked. I smiled, and ran out, slamming the door closed behind me.

"Well, aren't we all pretty today," Jay teased, as I slide into the car.

"Haha," I said sarcastically.

"So, I was thinking all day about what we could do tonight..."

"Special occasion?"

He grabbed his heart in mock pain, "I'm shocked!" He exclaimed. "Today is a very special day." I looked at him, waiting for him to continue with an explanation. "It's been two months since we became friends!"

"Counting from when?" Before he had a chance to respond, I realized in horror, "You're counting from the first time you brought me to the ravine?"

He put one hand up in defense, as I went to strike him. "If it wasn't for that we would have probably never talked." He must of sensed the fire burning within me, because he didn't stop his explanation there. "Okay, so it isn't the best anniversary. However, I packed an amazing vegetarian picnic, so accept it."

My eyes opened wide in a different sense of horror when I realized that he was expecting me to actually eat in front of him! "That's okay isn't?" He asked, taking his eyes off the road to look over at me.

I forced a small grin, and nodded. "Yeah, of course. That was so sweet of you...sort of." I spent the rest of the ride silent, simply nodding along to whatever he may of been saying. My mind was going a mile a minute, trying to figure out what to do in the situation. Purging wasn't an option, as we would likely be in the middle of nowhere, and by the time we get to a place with a toilet the calories may have already been in my thighs. I bit my lip, trying my hardest to think of options. I was desperate to get out of eating the meal.

It didn't take long to get to the spot in the woods. It was a small clearing. He got out of the car, and walked to open my door. I smiled, as he offered his right hand to help me out. He really had though of everything, including a blanket to sit on, and two lanterns to give us some light.

We sat down, and I began to put my plan into motion. "Jay?"

"Yeah?" He responded, while fishing two paper plates out of the basket.

"Do you find me attractive?"

He dropped the plates, and looked over at me in surprise. "What?"

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

He smiled, "Of course I do, Em."

"What about sexy?" I asked, pouting my bottom lip, and crawling towards him as sexily as I could muster.

"Uhh..."

I sat directly in front of him, my eyes staring right into his. When he didn't make a move, I grabbed him by the collar, crashing his lips into mine. He quickly responded by slipping his tongue pass my slightly parted lips. I straddled him, wrapping my legs around him, as I sat on his lap. He responded to this by lowering me down onto the blanket and climbing on top of me. I grabbed the bottom of his shirt, working to pull it off. He helped to remove it.

When he came back down to my level, I leaned my head up to kiss his neck, right on the collar bone. He moaned, thrusting his bottom half against me. He slowly reached down to the bottom of my sweater, and slipped his hand under my shirt. I reacted by helping him remove it completely. He stopped, breaking away from my lips. "Em, are you sure about this?"

I nodded, at this point it wasn't all about not having to eat the sandwich; I was experiencing feelings that I had never experienced before. Sean and I had never taken it this far. I nodded. He moved down, and started to place light kisses on my stomach, rising up to reach just below my bra. At that point, he probably should have noticed how skinny I had gotten, but teenaged boys, when in this situation, let the other organ do the thinking.

I arched my back slightly, as he removed my lacy pink bra. He smiled, teasing my breasts with his mouth. I had never experienced this sensation before. I reached down to his belt, and started to undo it. It was difficult to do from the position I was in, so he did it for me, removing his pants completely. Then, it was my turn, as I slid out of my jeans; leaving me naked, in only my matching pink panties. He grinned, kissing my inner thigh; I let out a small moan, and he chuckled when he saw that I was embarrassed. "Do you have a condom?" I asked, as he pulled my bottom off completely. He scrambled to his pants pocket, where he took one out, and put it on.

He slipped inside me, and I winced. "Are you okay?" He asked with concern. I nodded, and he continued to move within me. The pace started to quicken as my breathing got quicker and quicker. Before long, I began to enjoy the feeling and moaned in reply. He responded to this by pushing in harder, and grunting.

"Jay..."I moaned in pleasure.

Soon enough it was over and we collapsed onto the blanket completely spent from our activities. I closed my eyes tightly, as if only just realizing what I had just done. I didn't love Jay.


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm sorry that this took me so long to update! For some reason I have having a really hard time getting this chapter right; however, to make up for this I made extra long. I've been having a rough time emotionally lately, as a lot in my life has recently changes. I don't mean to offer that up as an excuse, but take it into consideration, I guess.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters or Degrassi. I do own the storyline though.**

**NOTE: PLEASE REVIEW! I know it sounds needy, but I'd really like to know if anyone is reading this, and their opinion. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the plot, as I make CONSTANT changes. So, a little acknowlegement would be great, thanks.**

_What did I do?_ That was the first thought to enter my mind the following morning. I, Emma Nelson, had sex with Jay Hoggart. I, Emma Nelson, lost my virginity to Jay Hoggart. I groaned, burrowing my head deep into my pillow. _How was I going to face him at school?_

"Emma!" I frowned, turning over, placing the pillow over my head. "Emma!"

"What!" I exclaimed, throwing off both the pillow and my blankets.

My mom yelled back, equal in volume, "You have fifteen minutes until school starts! Hurry up, I'll drive you!"

"Crap," I muttered, while staggering my way to the bathroom. I believe I had the quickest shower in history that morning. When I pulled on the white tank top, grey hooded sweater, and blue jeans, I was still wet. I sighed, throwing my hair into a messy bun, and grabbing my backpack on the way out. I quickly ran up the stairs to find my mother holding two poptarts. "I don't have time to eat this morning. We're going to be late," I explained when I walked passed her.

"Eat it in the car," she said, almost as a challenge.

"Fine," I growled, grabbing them from her and marching to the car.

The ride was fairly silent, with my mother watching me like a hawk, to make sure I ate both sugar coated death demons. "Happy?" I asked, when I had gotten them both down.

"Very," she replied, smiling. "Snake and I were beginning to worry about you. You hardly eat anymore."

"I _do_ eat," I lied. "You guys just aren't around enough to notice."

"Em, we've barely left the house lately. You know that."

I sighed, looking out the window. "Whatever. Oh look, we're here." I jumped out of the car before she had a chance to argue. I didn't feel like fighting with my mother that morning; I had enough on my mind when thinking about the previous night. I sighed, wrapping my arms around my self as I entered the doors of Degrassi.

First things first, I had to get rid of the calories that were quickly being digested. I went straight for the bathroom, closing myself into an empty stall. Needless to say, with no one around, I was able to get rid of everything. I smiled triumphantly, as I walked over to the sink to rinse my mouth out, and pop in a gum.

I was now free to think about Jay. Truth be told, I had no idea what to think; sometimes I thought maybe, just maybe, I actually _liked_ him. But, most of the time I just thought of him as a good friend. And, I didn't know much, but I knew that good friends weren't supposed to do what we had done the night before. Did he like me as a friend, or as a potential girlfriend? I frowned as the bell rang, signaling the five minutes I had before class was to begin.

Quickly, I rushed the few halls to my locker, throwing off my backpack and grabbing my science book. I was already falling behind in that class, and I didn't need a late to be added to my already awful track record. As expected, I didn't make it in time, and had to go to the main office to sign in; and, as lucky as I was, Jay Hoggart was also in line.

"Oh boy," I muttered under my breath, as I tried my best to casually blend into the back of the line.

"Cause girl!" I grimaced, looking over to see Alex.

Jay undoubtably heard as well, as his head whipped around to look my way. I forced a small smile, and he did the same. Clearly, we were taking the awkward route to dealing with this.

"What's wrong?" Alex inquired obnoxiously. "I thought you two were best buds, what happened?"

"It's none of your business," I replied quickly, blushing.

"Aww, she's blushing! You know, Emma, Jay has quite the way with women. Would you believe that he has devirginized at least four?"

"Alex, shut the hell up!" Jay exclaimed.

I frowned, taking in the information, trying to figure out whether to believe it or not. "It's not like that," I found myself saying to no one in particular.

"Are you so sure?" She asked, sneering at Jay.

"How about thawing out that heart, Alex?" I turned to look behind me and saw the face of Craig.

"Silence in the line!" The attendance secretary shouted, silencing us all.

I smiled thankfully at Craig, and mouthed the word, "Thanks."

Jay got to the front of the line, signed in, and received his slip. He walked passed me, handing me a slip of paper. I opened it, and read the scrawl:

_Em,_

_Meet me at my car during lunch. We need to talk._

I sighed, folding it up and placing it in my pocket.

"_Psst,_ Emma!" I turned, facing Craig who had worked his way directly behind me. "What are you doing after school?"

"I don't know yet, why?" I asked skeptically.

"Well, Joey lent me the convertible, and I want to go for a drive..."

"So?"

"_Soooo,_ do you want to come with?"

"Why don't you take Spin, or Jimmy, or Marco, or Ash, or..."

"I get it," he interrupted laughing. "Want the honest truth?" I nodded. "The guys are busy, and Ash and I haven't really been on speaking terms since the whole Manny thing..."

"That's _very_ interesting," I replied sarcastically. "So, I'm a last option."

"That wasn't the point I was trying to make. In all honesty, I haven't been able to forget what you said that night in my car." I stared at him, trying my best not to express any emotion in my face. He continued, "You were right. We used to be pretty tight...hanging out and whatnot. I mean, we did the whole Stouffville thing, right? And then we kind of drifted away, with Manny..."

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah, whatever. Meet me out front after school," I replied. "I'm trying the whole rekindle old relationships thing."

He smiled, "Okay. See ya then."

"Next!"

After getting my slip, I left the line and walked the few halls to my class.

"How nice of you to join us, Ms. Nelson," Mr. Lackie said sarcastically as I entered.

"Sorry!" I exclaimed, scurrying quickly to my seat.

"Where were you?" Manny whispered to me, as the class picked up once again.

"I had to use the washroom," I told her; after all, it wasn't a complete lie. "Then, I had to sign in."

Manny nodded, "Ugh! I hate that rule. I mean, they can't expect us to go to class looking all gross, can they? Sometimes you just need to put on a little extra gloss, you know?" I smiled in agreement; Manny had an interesting way of making you smile even when you didn't want to.

"Excuse me," Mr.Lackie interrupted. "Could you two ladies be bothered to actually pay attention in class?"

"Yes sir, sorry," Manny sputtered.

"And Ms. Nelson, I'll see you when the bell rings?"

I frowned, "Sounds fantastic..."

"Great, now I would suggest you take some notes on the cell structure, as there will be a quiz in the near future."

The next twenty minutes were spent feverishly trying to copy down all of Mr. Lackie's frantic lecture. To be completely honest, I had no idea what he was talking about; I hadn't paid any attention to the class in the last two months. I was in the process of trying to figure out the function of ribosomes when Manny tossed a neatly folded piece of paper my way. I opened it up, as quietly as I could.

_Em,_

_What are you doing at lunch? Tell me you aren't busy! We have some serious catching up to do._

Sighing, I quickly responded.

_Manny,_

_I would love nothing more than to hang with you at lunch, but I have some serious talking to do with Jay. Sorry. Another time?_

I crumpled it up, tossing it to her. Taking a few minutes to respond, she threw it back.

_Emmmmma!_

_Tell me the gossip! Serious? Like hooow serious? I'm dying here. How about The Dot, after school? It's on me._

I smiled, reading her desperate attempt to get the information out of me.

_Manuela..._

_I can't talk about it right now, but I'll fill you in some other time. Let's just say it's pretty big. I can't hang out after school either...I have plans with Craig. It's complicated._

I tossed the note her way, but before I had a chance to get it back the bell rang, and Mr. Lackie shooed Manny out of the room. I approached his desk apprehensively, plastering on a sweet smile.

"Ms. Nelson, I think we have an issue."

"Uh, what kind of issue?" I asked, frowning.

He pulled out a folder from the top drawer of his desk. He looked in on it's contents, and then looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "Well, looking here at your marks it seems that you have managed to drop from 90 in my course to an embarrassing 45. Somehow you have managed to fail the last three tests, and you have only turned in two of the six major assignments I have assigned in the last three months." I opened my mouth hoping to somehow redeem myself, but he beat me to the chase, "Now is not the time for excuses, Ms. Nelson. Now, I don't know exactly what's going on in your life, but you seem to be in some sort of trouble. I'd suggest you visit Ms.Suave."

"With all due respect, I'd rather not, sir."

"That's your choice, I suppose," he said, sighing. "You've just been very out of character lately. I mean, associating with hooligans?"

I frowned, crossing my arms on my chest, "You have no right to pass judgment on who I choose to associate with, Mr. Lackie. Now, I will try harder to up my mark in this class; but, I would suggest you don't pry your nose into my personal life anymore."

I stormed out of the room, and out of the school; I didn't feel like going to English anyway. I ran outside, rushing passed Paige and Hazel who sat on the school steps.

"Whoa, cause girl, slow it down!"

I whipped around, "What did you call me!"

"Hun," Paige began. "Calm down, I was just kidding around. Shouldn't you be in class?"

I released the air I didn't even know I was holding, and placed one hand on my hip. "I don't feel like going."

"Looks like Hoggart is rubbing off on her," Hazel joked.

"Yeah. What's up with that anyway?" Paige asked, looking over at me.

I frowned, "That's none of you business."

"It's just...he's so un-you."

"You don't know that," I said, fuming. "You don't know anything about me."

"True," she stated simply, "but, I know you well enough to know that he was one of the reasons Sean and you broke up."

I froze at the mention of it; it was true, Jay was the reason Sean and I broke up.

"But," she began again, "I guess you have a thing for bad boys."

"She likes to help, Paige; and, trying to reform every scumbag in Degrassi is her mission."

At this point I was fuming. How dare they try and analyze my motives. How dare they decide who I should and should not be with. "You know what? Go to hell."

I turned around quickly and stormed off towards an indefinite point; I ended up on a picnic table in a park about five minutes from school. It really is a pity that I didn't get to see their faces when I told them off.

The park was relatively silent, with only one man and his toddler son. I watched them for awhile before burrowing my head in my arms. I lost myself in the sound of silence...starting to take in to account my life in its entirety. I felt oddly hollow. Sure, when I was with Jay, I was happy; but, in the end, I was just hollow. I didn't feel happy, and couldn't remember if I had ever been. I started to think about everything from Jordan to Sean to my father to Rick to the shooting to the ravine to the intense diet to losing my virginity to Jay. It was an intense flurry of not so happy memories. It was times like these that a girl really needed her father...too bad for Emma.

"I hate you!" I exclaimed, startling the father in the park. I wasn't sure who I was screaming at, but I felt the anger. I sighed heavily, as the man towed his now crying son out of the sand. I started to tear up; I never had that. I stood up quickly, kicking the table. I started to run, I didn't have a destination. I must have looked completely insane. I had been running for about fifteen minutes when I started to get dizzy. I stopped abruptly, throwing myself to the soft terrain below. I could hardly breathe, and my chest felt like it was collapsing in. My vision started to spot, when I heard the familiar sixteen speaker system coming closer. I stood up, shaking my head clear, trying my best to recapture my breath.

The car neared and slowed beside me. "Get in," he stated, reaching over to unlock the passenger door.

I obeyed, and walked around to the passenger side, opening the door and plopping down. "Hi," I muttered quietly.

He looked over at me, "Have you been crying?"

I rubbed my eyes, turning away. "No."

"You're lying," he stated simply. "You're eyes are all puffy and red..."

"Fine, I was crying. Happy?" I exclaimed.

Turning the car off, he shifted his body towards me, "No. What's wrong?"

I sighed, looking out the window to the now empty park. "Nothing," I told him.

"Okay," he sighed. "Now how about the truth? Come on, Em...you can tell me anything, you know that."

I smiled slightly, facing him. "I know. It's just..well, everything, I guess."

"Everything?" He questioned. "Em...you _are_ eating, right?"

"Of course I am," I lied. "This has nothing to do with that."

"Are you sure?" He asked, analyzing me with his doubtful eyes.

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "Sorry," I apologized when he flinched. "I've been perfectly healthy..."

"Good," he smiled, seeming pleased with me...or himself. "Then, why are you so upset?"

"I just started thinking about my life."

"Is it that bad?"

"Probably not," I replied honestly. "I just started thinking about all the crap in my life..."

"Like?"

I smiled, "You don't have the time."

"For you," he said looking at me with great intensity, "I have all the time in the world."

"From the start?" He nodded. "Well, did I ever tell you about the time I was almost raped?"

His eyes bulged, "No."

"I was in the seventh grade. I thought this guy liked me...I thought he was only a few year older than me. I met him on the internet. So, trying to act mature and stuff, I thought it was a good idea to go see him. Turns out he was a pedophile... if my mom and Snake hadn't of come I would...well, never mind."

"Oh, Em," he sighed, reaching over to brush the hair out of my face, "I'm so sorry."

I smiled slightly, "But, I mean, I did save kids, right? If it wasn't for my stupidity other kids could have been hurt!"

"Exactly," he agreed.

"I don't know why I brought this up. I haven't talked to anyone about it since it happened."

"Maybe it's good to talk..."

"Maybe," I sighed, running my hand through my hair.

"I can tell by looking at you that it isn't over."

"What?"

"There's more bothering you..."

"Tons," I replied, surprised at my own honesty.

"So, what's next?" I looked at him doubtfully. "Come on," he urged, "think of me as your own personal Dr.Phil."

I laughed, folding my hands on my lap nervously. "Are you sure?" He nodded, encouraging me to continue. I sighed heavily, "I guess my father is next on the list." I paused, remembering the time Craig and I went to find him. Then, remembering when I had found him with my mom. I sighed, "This one's a toughie.." I stopped, looking out the window to see a young blond girl being pushed on the swing by her father. They were laughing, having the time of their life.

"Are you okay?"

I smiled, "Yeah, sorry. Well, basically my mom got pregnant when she was real young. My father, Shane, took some acid one night and fell, or jumped, off a bride," I paused, looking at Jay's concerned expression. "Obviously, that caused some brain damage. My mom took me to see him when I was really young, but it upset him, and his parents didn't think it was a good idea. So, I didn't see him again until last year."

"It must've been hard to grow up without a father."

"It was," I replied, remembering how I had felt. "I couldn't understand why I didn't have one. I was confused about it for the longest time, and eventually I realized I just didn't have one. I thought maybe I had done something." I frowned, looking down at my hands. "So, on the first day of grade nine I got Craig to go on a search with me..."

"Why Manning?" Jay interrupted.

"We used to be pretty close," I replied. "Plus, he had father issues too. So, we went looking. I eventually found him...he was in this institution. One of those all white ones, with small depressing rooms. He was glad to see me. I didn't know how to feel. No one had told me what was wrong with him...I never knew."

"Your mom never told you?"

I shook my head, "No. I found out that way. The nurse was mad and made us leave. Then, a few days later he went to my house and got aggressive with my mom. I haven't seen or talked to him since."

"Why not?"

"I don't know," I replied honestly.

"My dad called me last week."

"What?" I asked, surprised. I remembered the conversation we had before about his father.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, running his hand through his hair. "He called. He was drunk..."

"Oh, Jay..." I whispered. "I'm sorry."

He smirked, "You know, that's not even the worst of it," he paused. "I mean, he never used to drink; but, somehow, that wasn't even the worse part."

"What was then?" I asked.

"He told me he loved me."

I frowned, trying to understand exactly what he was saying. "I don't understand..."

"We haven't talked since Christmas, and it's been five years since I've seen him, and then he just calls to say 'I love you'?" He was obviously worked up by it all. "How dare he! I mean, I've spent the last five years separating myself from him, trying to forget how great it was when he was around. Then, just when I think it's safe to breathe, he calls and proclaims this undying love for me. If he cared so much, why isn't he here?"

I wasn't sure what to say, "Did you get the call before or after we..."

"Before...why?" I frowned, facing the window. Maybe Jay's grand romantic gesture was just a distraction; or some way to prove to himself that he wasn't like his father. He must have sensed what I was thinking by the look on my face, because he put an end to it. "Em, I had that night planned for over a week." I raised my eyebrows. "No!" He sighed, "Not _that_ part. I had the picnic planned..."

I nodded, "Okay."

"About that...are you okay?"

"With having sex?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean...I didn't pressure you in any way did I?"

I smiled, "Not one tiny bit. Sure, I didn't plan on losing my virginity, but it was bound to happen sooner or later, right?" Truthfully, I still wasn't entirely sure about how I felt.

"I was your first?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

"I'm sorry," he said, looking at me with all seriousness.

I didn't know what to say. Part of me was sorry too; I didn't love Jay, and probably shouldn't have done what we had. However, there was another part of me that was glad with what I had done. In a way, I had been swept off my feet...caught in the moment. Sure, it had started with me just wanting to get out of eating a meal; but, in the end, I did want Jay at that moment. I smiled at him, "I'm not."

"Want to go back to school? Lunch should be over soon."

I shook me head, "Not yet." Then, turning to look at the park one last time, I grinned. "What's your opinion on Stouffville?"

He frowned, "What?"

"I have to see someone," I stated simply.

* * *

So, we drove the entire hour to the familiar white building. "This is where my dad lives," I said, stepping out of the car into the bright shining sun. 

"Em, are you sure you want to do this?"

I smiled, "Absolutely. He doesn't get many visitors, I don't think...the least he deserves is a visit from his daughter."

"Okay," he said, getting out of the car, and coming to stand next to me. "I'll wait in the lobby."

I looked up at him, squinting through the sunlight. "Come in with me. I want to introduce him to my best friend."

He flinched a bit, either at the idea of being a best friend, or at only being considered my best friend. "Let's go then."

We started to walk, and I went to speak to the lady at the front desk. "Hi," I began, "my name is Emma Nelson..."

"The Emma Nelson?" She asks, smiling wide.

"Yeah," I stated, wondering what she was getting at.

"Shane talks about you all the time. He says that you're very pretty, I can see that he hasn't lied."

I smiled, "Thank you. Do you think it's at all possible for me to see him today? I know, I should have called, but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing."

"From what I heard, the last time you spurred your way into here, Shane didn't take it so well."

Frowning, I responded, "Well, in my defense, everything was going fine; and, then the nurse came in and made me leave quickly. Now, I know it's her job, but I think that upset him more. I'm here this time, calmly, I might add, and I really want to see my father."

She sighed, "Let me call up to the third floor; I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," I replied, as she picked up the phone.

"Hi, Carol? Yeah, it's me, Bonnie. I have a young lady her, Miss. Nelson...yes, that one...no she didn't try to sneak in...she seems stable...can she?...for half an hour?...great, thanks." She hung up, and pitched a gigantic smile my way. "She said you have half an hour, starting now."

I smiled, "Thank you, Bonnie!" I ran past her station, over to the chair Jay was sitting on. "Let's go." We jogged up the two flights of stairs, to where I knew my father's room was. I smiled, seeing the familiar nurse waiting outside his door.

"Emma," she nodded curtly.

I glanced briefly at her name tag, "Carol, hi."

"New boy?" She asked, tilting her head towards Jay, who stood nervously behind me.

"What?"

"As I remember, the last time you were with another boy. I believe he was a bit shorter, brown curly hair...took pictures."

I smiled, "That was Craig. This," I said, gesturing, "is Jay."

"Nice to meet you," he provided politely.

She smiled tightly, "I'm sure." Then, looking back over to me, "Emma, you have about twenty-five minutes. I'll be down the hall, so don't try anything cute. Try not to rile him up." I nodded in agreement, as she began to walk down the hall. "Oh, and Emma?" She added, turning around.

"Yeah?"

"He talks about you everyday."

I smiled, opening his door. "Dad?"

He was sitting on his bed, knitting. "Emma!" He exclaimed, getting up. "You came."

I smiled, "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner..."

"How come you never call me? Sometimes Johnny's daughter calls him..."

"Who's Johnny?" I asked.

"My friend, he live downstairs," he stopped talking to look me over. "You're skinner."

I crossed my arms uncomfortably across my chest. "No I'm not."

He nodded, "Yeah, yeah you are." A tear fell from my left eye, "I'm sorry.." he stated, when he saw I was getting emotional. "I made you cry."

I smiled, "No," I said, wiping the few stray tears. "I'm just happy to see you, that's all."

He grinned, "I made you a sweater," he said happily, reaching into his drawer to retrieve a bright yellow sweater, about four sizes to big.

"It's beautiful," I told him, taking off the grey sweater I had on, and replacing it with the one he had just given to me.

"I made it yellow...like your hair," he said proudly.

"Yellow is my favourite colour," I told him kindly, although I had always been partial to blue.

"It is?" He asked excitedly.

I nodded, and then remembered that I had brought Jay along with me. "Dad, I want you to meet someone." I smiled, and directed his attention to where Jay stood, smiling kindly. "This is Jay."

"Hi," Jay said, stepping slowly into the room.

"Jay?" Dad questioned, looking at him with confusion.

"He's a friend of mine from school," I explained.

Dad smiled, "Your boyfriend?"

Laughing kindly, I responded, "No, he's just a good friend."

He paused silently, taking in the information, and trying to form the right words. "Any friend of Emma's is a friend of mine," he responded, obviously proud that he had found the right words.

Jay smiled, and reached in to shake the hand that my dad was now extending, "It's nice to meet you, sir."

I smiled, Jay was treating my dad completely normal; how a boy should be when meeting a girl's father. I was happy about that. "Dad," I began, when they had stopped shaking hands, "I'm sorry I didn't call or come visit."

"I missed you," he said plainly.

"I know, I've just been busy lately."

"That's okay, Emma," he said, coming over to give me a hug. "Did the baby like the hat?" He asked, changing the subject.

"He loves it," I told him.

We sat around for another then minutes; dad showed us his knitting, the two pictures he had with me and him, and a painting he had done. Eventually, Carol came back and we had to go; dad was surprisingly calm, letting us leave without any commotion. I was glad, because it would make it much easier for me to stop by in the future.

Stepping out of the sterile white building, and into the bright shining sun, I smiled.

"What?" Jay asked, seeing the huge smile on my face.

"I'm just feeling happy right now," I replied plainly.

"As opposed to?"

I frowned a bit, "As opposed to most other days..."

He walked behind me, grabbing my shoulders playfully and shaking them. "Come on, Greenpeace...don't get all emo on me now."

I laughed, "Fine. I guess I'll just have to be a thug then." I grabbed his hat off his head, putting it on my own.

"Em!" He laughed, chasing me to the car.

I was glad that after what had happened the day before, we could still have moments like that.

* * *

We pulled up to the school parking lot at 3:00 exactly, school was over. "Opps," I sighed playfully. 

"Are your parents going to be mad?"

I smiled, "Probably."

"So, what are you doing right now? Want to go to my house, or something?"

"I can't," I replied honestly.

"Why not?"

"I told Craig I'd go for a drive with him. Joey lent him the car, and he had no one else to go with."

"You're hanging out with _manwhore_?"

"Jay!" I exclaimed, slapping him playfully on the arm. "Craig, despite his tendency to sleep around, is a really good guy. We used to be good friends, you know that."

He sighed, "Well, he's coming out of the school so you might want to go."

I smiled, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, "See you later! Thanks again for coming with me."

I jumped out of the car, closing the door behind me, and jogged my way to where Craig stood in the parking lot, looking towards to front doors of Degrassi. I snuck up behind him, putting my hands over his eyes. "Guess who."

"Cyndi Lauper?"

I laughed, "Correct. Good job, Sid."

"I didn't see you come out of the school," he replied, turning around to face me.

I smirked playfully, "Well, maybe I have super powers."

"I don't think so," he chuckled.

"Well, then maybe I wasn't at school."

"We'll address this later," he replied. "But, right now you need to get _your_ butt in the passenger seat of this _kickass_ ride."

I laughed, "Well, aren't we demanding." I walked over to the passenger side and hoped over the door into the front seat.

Craig followed suit, landing in the seat next to me. "Get ready for the ride of your life!" He exclaimed playfully, starting the car, squealing out of the parking lot.

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm not the first girl you've said that to," I joked.

"Very funny," he responded rolling his eyes, but then giving into a small chuckle.

We drove for about ten minutes without saying anything at all; simply listening to the great indie rock station, and feeling the wind in our hair. Finally, when he reached over to turn the station down, during a Regina Spektor song, did we finally talk. "So, how are you and Ash?"

He smiled, "I don't know..."

I laughed, "Isn't that something you should know?"

He nodded in agreement, "Probably. It's just that after the whole Manny thing... things didn't really go to well."

"That's to be expected," I said plainly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Well, we broke up, then she and I did the whole music thing. I just don't know exactly where we stand right now."

"Do you want to be with her?"

"I really like her, and I love being around her," he paused, running one hand through his hair. "I just don't know if I want to be with her like that."

I nodded, understanding what he was saying completely, as I often felt the same way with Jay. "I know what you mean," I responded. "You don't want to lose her, so rather that telling her that you don't want her that way, you just leave it unsaid."

He nodded, "Exactly!" Then, laughing, he added, "Who would have thought that little Emma Nelson would have so much wisdom wrapped up in that pretty blond head."

"I'm not the same, 'little' Emma Nelson that you knew, Craig." I sighed, "I've changed a lot since we used to be friends."

He frowned, "What's up, Em?"

I turned to look out my side of the car, "I don't know. I mean, I'm just different..."

"Jay?"

I whipped around quickly, "Not you too!" I exclaimed.

"What?"

"Everyone thinks that all of my problems originate with Jay. He's just this scapegoat. It's ridiculous, noone wants to think that maybe I had issues before I met Jay."

He put one hand up in defense, the other one still on the wheel. "I'm not blaming him," he stated simply.

"Thank you."

"Who am I to blame him? I don't even know him that well." I nodded in agreement. "This isn't about him, Em. I'm asking about you. How are _you_?"

"I've been better. It just seems like all of a sudden any tough things that I've been through in my life are piling up on me, suffocating me. Before, I was able to brush it all off-- be tough Emma; but, after the shooting everything changed. Now, it's like everything I've been through is sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it," I ranted, then, after realizing who I was ranting to, I stopped.

"Have you thought to maybe talk to someone?" Craig asked.

"Not really," I replied honestly. "I mean, I talk to Jay...I don't know if that counts or not."

"It does," Craig replied. "He's someone. I mean, who do I have?"

I looked over to him, he looked almost as down as I probably did. "Joey?" I offered as an idea.

He chuckled a bit, " I can't."

"Why not?"

"He's already done enough for me. And I can't talk to Jimmy, because he has bigger problems. Marco's busy with Dylan. Ashley and I aren't that close. Spinner...is Spinner." He sighed, "I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mean, about darker stuff. Stuff that a lot of people don't get."

I frowned, "You mean like your dad?"

"Yeah."

"You can talk to me," I replied. Then, quickly added, "If you want."

He smiled, and then frowned slightly, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, honestly not knowing what he was getting at.

"Ditching you..."

"Craig," I sighed, "It's honestly not that important right now."

"No," he replied forcefully, "it is. You were right. As soon as I found other good friends, and girls, we stopped talking. It was my fault, I left you, and I shouldn't have."

I sighed, "You know, I had such a crush on you."

He laughed, "When!"

"Grade eight...two years ago," I replied, shaking my head in embarrassment.

"Wow," he replied. "I didn't know. I mean, I kinda thought of you as a little sister, you know?"

"I know," I responded, chuckling a bit to myself.

"You don't...ummm..."

Sensing what he may have been getting at I quickly responded, 'No! I don't like you like that anymore."

He laughed, "I'm glad that we can hang out like this again; especially after everything."

I smiled, "Me too."

"So, you and Hoggart?"

I sighed playfully, "I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we spend practically everyday together, and we've pretty much become best friends..."

"But?"

"But, I'm not sure where we go from here."

"From where?"

"Never mind," I replied quickly, not wanting to go into the dirty details.

"Would it have anything to do with what Alex was saying this morning?"

I sighed, "Sort of?" He looked over at me with eyebrows raised. "This stays between you and me, Manning, got it?" He nodded, so I continued, "Well, our relationship started out only sexual in nature. I mean, we weren't actually having sex, but close enough I guess. Then, we started to actually talk. A couple Emma Nelson break downs later, we were really close friends. Last night, we slept together. I mean, where do I go from there?"

"Wow," he dead panned.

"Yeah, I know."

"Well, do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend situation?"

"I don't think so," I replied honestly. "As disgusting as this may seem, he's more of an older brother figure to me. I mean, he is always there to help me when I'm breaking down; it's like he's always watching over me."

"So, what you're saying is you're into incest," he joked.

"Not funny!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry," he replied, turning his full attention back to the road. "So, you guys started out sexual, progressed to best friends, then in the heat of the moment went back to sexual; but, you generally don't feel the sexual attraction."

"Basically."

"Then, don't lead him on." Seeing the look of confusion on my face, he continued, "He needs to know that this isn't leading anywhere. If you string him along for too long, he'll just be even madder when he finds out."

I sighed, "If only there were no Sean..."

"Cameron!" Craig exclaimed. "You're still into him?"

I smiled, "Somehow."

He nodded, "Whatever floats your boat."

I laughed, "Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for listening."

"Anytime, Emma Nelson, anytime."

We drove for another twenty minutes, discussing everything from Sean to the dance we had shared about ten years earlier. Eventually, we reached the front of my home.

"Thanks for the good time," I quipped, getting out of the car.

"You're completely welcome," he replied. "Oh, did I mention that I liked your sweater?"

I smiled, "No. My dad made it." He didn't question this, as I had mentioned earlier that I had went, with Jay, to visit my father.

He shot me one more smile, before driving off.

I turned my vision away from the now distant car, and started to walk towards the front door. I had planned to dodge straight down the stairs to avoid dinner; but, I was caught off-guard by my parents who were sitting on the couch with very un-welcoming scowls on their faces.

REMINDER: PLEASE REVIEW! A writer needs to know they have an audience in order to have the inspiration to write. Thanks.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Sorry it took so long. This chapter is really long, and took forever to work out. I hope you all like it. I've gotten some VERY encouraging notes from some. Thank you!**

**P.S. I can't seem to remember if Rick had the gun before or after he kissed Emma, but for the purposes of this story it will be after.**

**Oh! Please review. This chapter would have taken a great deal longer had it not have been for some really awesome reviews.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything except the dialogue.**

"Where were you?" My mom questions, anger extremely evident in the tone of her voice.

I frowned, "Driving with Craig," I told her. "We decided to go for a drive after school," I explained. Then, quickly added, "I didn't think it would be a problem."

"It wouldn't have been," Snake stated. "However, you weren't at school today, and you weren't with Craig." I didn't even bother defending myself, knowing that whatever I said would only make it worse. "What has gotten into you?" He exclaimed, looking at me like I might have three heads instead of my now spinning one.

"Nothing," I mumbled, crossing my arms uncomfortably over my chest.

"Em, we know you've been through a lot lately, but we've let you get away with too much..." my mom stated.

"What your mother is trying to say is that you are officially on lock down."

"What!" I exclaimed.

"Emma," my mom tried to reason in a calm voice, "you haven't been healthy lately." I bore holes through her head with my eyes. "You look sick."

"Your teachers have concerns about you..."

"Your marks are dropping..."

"You skipped all but one class today..."

"You were late for school..."

"Your complexion is pale..."

"You constantly look tired..."

"You've been spending a lot of time with Jay Hoggart..."

I stood there silent the entire time, letting them critique me. Finally, after awhile I snapped, 'Shut up!" I had dealt with enough that day, I didn't need an intervention on top of it all.

"Emma!" My mom exclaimed, obviously shocked my outburst.

"I get it!" I exclaimed, dropping the grey sweatshirt I was still holding in my hand; I had been carrying it since I had thrown on the much larger yellow one. I smiled, in a twisted sort of way, and ran one hand through my hair in a stressful manner. "I'm a screw up! Well, you know what! I'm not this perfect angel that you think I am!"

"What do you mean?" Snake asked, looking concerned.

I laughed, "What does it matter?"

"Em, have you gotten yourself into some sort of trouble?" My mom asked.

"Drugs? Something else?" Snake added.

"I'm not doing drugs!" I exclaimed.

"Then what?" My mom yelled back. "We can help you."

I started to think; what did I need help with? Absolutely nothing. As far as I was concerned, everything was under control. Sure, I was having a few more breakdowns than usual, but I was handling it relatively well. Plus, I had Jay to help me out; hell, I even had Craig and Manny if I really needed them.

Then, realizing that I had been fine until I had come home, I bolted out the door. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I didn't want to deal with the psychoanalysis that my parents were about to dish out. So, I ran. It seemed to be the norm for me lately. I ran and ran, with no point in sight. After about two kilometres I stopped, taking of fthe now drenched sweater, and tying it tightly around my waist. I continued to run in my blue jeans, white tank top, and the big baggy yellow sweater tied around my waist.

I kept running, probably another four kilometres before I finally collapsed. I ended up the cement sidewalk, in front of a convenience store. My chest, legs, and head were throbbing; and, I felt like I might actually black out. I started to panic, and my breathing quickened immensely. I started to cry. I'm not sure if I was crying from pain, from fear, or the pure embarrassment.

I sat slumped against the wall of the brick building for awhile, before regaining my composure, to find a guy, crouched down in front of me. He was tall and muscular, and familiar. "Are you okay?" He asked, handing me an unopened bottle of water.

"Tracker?" I asked, recognizing his voice.

"Shit," he muttered. "Emma?"

I smirked, "In all my glory."

"What happened?" He asked, looking shocked.

"Today or since I last saw you?"

"Since I last saw you."

"It's a long story," I replied, taking a drink from the water bottle.

"Okay, how about what happened today?"

"That's a pretty long story in itself."

"Let me help you up," he said, standing up and reaching his hand to clasp mine, pulling me up."Thanks," I stated, brushing the hair off my sweat glistened forehead. "So, how have you been?" I asked, not exactly sure what to say in this sort of situation.

"Pretty good. Yourself?"

I shrugged, giving him a look that basically said, 'Have you taken a look at me?'

He smiled slightly, "Point taken."

"So, what are you doing in Toronto?"

"Business," he responded dryly. "I actually have to get going. Can I take you somewhere, or..."

I sighed, considering my options. "Do you know where Jay lives?"

"Hoggart?" He questioned, with eyebrows raised.

I crossed my arms across my chest, almost in a sense of defiance, staring at him with blank eyes. "Yeah. So, do you?"

He smirked, "Yeah."

"Then, can you take me?"

"Sure," he responded, walking over to his motorbike, and tossing me the spare helmet. I threw on my sweater, and the helmet. Tracker got on the bike. "Hope on."

I obliged, getting on the back. I'm sure he was wondering why I was going to Jay's. I'm sure he was wondering why I was having a breakdown in front of some dirty convenience store. I'm sure he was wondering if I were crazy. If he was wondering all of this, he didn't mention it. I was grateful for that. We arrived outside, what I assumed was Jay's house, about ten minutes later.

"That's it," he spoke, motioning towards the large white home.

"Thanks," I replied, getting off the bike, and taking off the helmet. Then, quickly, before he drove off again, I added, "Can you not tell Sean about this?"

He smirked, "No promises, princess."

He drove off just as Jay opened his front door. "Emma?"

I forced a small smile, turning to face him. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"I needed to get away," I replied simply.

He left the front steps walking to where I stood. "Who was on the bike?"

"Tracker."

"Sean's older brother?" He asked, eyebrows raised in obvious curiosity.

I stuck my hands in my pockets, "Yeah." Then, looking around, as if finally realizing where I stood, I started to explain, "I sort of freaked on my parents. I didn't know where to go...I felt trapped. So, I went for a run, and ended up in front of some corner store. Tracker showed up..."

"And gave you a ride to my place," Jay finished. I nodded. "Well," he continued, "this is my place."

I looked around, it was a large white home, with a wrap-around veranda, perfectly manicured lawn, double car garage, and beautiful gables. "It's nice," I managed to spurt.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Not what you expected though, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Admit it," he chuckled slightly. "You assumed that I probably lived in some tough neighbourhood. Maybe even a trailer."

I smiled, "Well, you're public persona would suggest so."

He laughed, "Well, my dad's a doctor. A surgeon actually. The house was paid for before he left."

"What does your mom do?" I asked.

"She's a nurse down at Sunny Brook," he replied. "Actually, she's at work now. You want to come in?"

I nodded, "Sorry to just barge in on you like this..."

"I don't mind. Anytime you need to get away, just give me a call."

I smiled, "Thanks."

We entered the large home, and I marveled at it's beauty. There, right in from of me, stood a large spiral, oak staircase. The home was open concept, so it made it seem even larger than it might have otherwise. I followed him downstairs to a less grande room. "This is where I spend most of my time," he offered. It was a smaller room, with black walls. There were two couches, a mini-fridge, a pool table, a tv, and an xbox. "The house is kind of a fraud," he stated, flopping onto the couch.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's usually empty. My mom works a lot, which is good, because otherwise she'd be spending way too much time alone. I think she only keeps it as a reminder of what it was like before; having Katie and dad around. I mean, we wouldn't be able to afford any of this if it hadn't already been paid for." He paused, and then spoke again when I didn't say anything, "I'm not some spoiled rich kid."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know, it's just...I work for what I get. I spend a lot of time down at my uncle's shop, helping him out. In return, he pays me minimum wage. If people saw this place they'd think I'm some fraud or something...I'm not."

I nodded, "Okay."

He stood up, and walked over to the fridge and tossed me a bottle of water. "Sit down," he suggested, and I did.

"So, you were saying earlier today that your dad called?"

He nodded, "Yeah. Yesterday."

"What exactly did he want?"

He sighed, "Why are we talking about this now?"

"You brought it up earlier today, which would suggest that you wanted to talk about it. But, with me being me, I brought it all back to me. So, I realize now that you had a lot more to say," I rambled.

"You sure do talk a lot..." he laughed.

"Laugh later, talk now," I ordered.

"Fine, but we're talking about you as soon as I'm done."

"Deal," I replied.

"I'm not sure what he wanted. I mean, he had obviously been drinking. He never used to drink; he used to have a few social drinks here and there, but as far as I know he had never been drunk. So, that really threw me off guard." He paused, either reflecting of just thinking of what to say next. "I guess he just wanted to talk. He said that he was sorry..."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know. I asked him what he was sorry for."

"What did he say?"

"He was sorry for leaving. He was sorry he didn't help Katie sooner. He was sorry he hadn't called since Christmas. He was sorry he hadn't seen me since I was twelve. He was sorry he didn't know who I was now." He stopped again, obviously upset and emotional at the thought of everything that had been said. "I mean, what the hell does he want me to say! That it's okay? That I forgive him? I couldn't say that, because it would have been all lies. I spent three years being pissed at him, hating him."

"What about the other two?"

He sighed, his expressing blank as he looked at me directly. "I spent those two years wishing he would come back. I was only a kid, and all of a sudden two of the people I cared most about in the world were gone. My mom was a wreck, drowning herself in work; so, I spent most of my time alone. Then, at fourteen I realized I had spent enough time wishing and hoping."

"What did you do then?"

"I hardened myself," he replied honestly. "I started hanging with a new crew, getting into trouble, experiencing drugs and all that. High school was a new opportunity for me; a chance to ditch who I was before and create this new person. I went from clean-cut, parent's wet dream to marked-up, parent's worst nightmare."

"What are you know?"

"A mix between the two, I guess. "

I nodded, "That seems about right. So, did your dad have anything else to say?"

"Yeah," he admitted, shaking his head as if in disgust. "He's getting married."

"What?"

"Some rich woman from Vancouver, where he lives by the way. She's a dentist, he's a surgeon...meaning they're probably loaded. She has kids too: three of them, all teenagers."

"I'm sorry," I replied, placing my left hand on his shoulder kindly.

"Why?"

"I know how hard it is to feel replaced."

"I'm not being replaced," he replied. "I was gone from that spot a long time ago. Me, my mom, and Katie...we're his past. He's allowing us to be some foggy memory of what used to be. I'm not expecting anymore calls."

I frowned, truly sad at what I was hearing. Sure, my dad may not have been completely functional, but he loved me and would be there if I need him. Jay's dad was a completely functional, successful man who had phased out his family in favour of some new, better life.

"But," Jay began, seeing that I was being affected by his honesty, said, "you're turn."

"What is there to say?" I asked.

"What happened when you got home?"

"I don't know exactly," I admitted. Seeing the look of pure confusion on his face, I continued, "I just kind of freaked out. They were just pointing out everything that's been wrong with me lately. I felt completely trapped. I just needed to get out of there."

"I can understand that," he admitted. "So, when do you plan on going back?"

I smirked, "Never?"

He shook his head laughing, "Okay."

"Can I stay here for awhile?"

"Yeah, of course; but, you're going to go home eventually."

I nodded, "I know. Will your mom mind?"

He shook his head, "No, she's pretty cool about me having friends over. Sean stayed here for two months once," he laughed.

"When?"

"His brother was still living in Toronto," he stated. "It was right when you two broke up, and him and Tracker got in this huge fight."

I frowned, "I never knew about that."

"You guys weren't exactly on speaking terms then."

"Whose fault was that?" I muttered under my breath.

"What?" He asked, looking a bit miffed.

"I'm just saying that we were fine before you came along..."

"Seriously!" He exclaimed. "We're going to bring this up now? Like, two years after the fact." He paused, taking in a deep breath, obviously trying to calm himself down before speaking again. "Em, you two weren't exactly a field of roses. There were plenty of problems between you two. Don't make me the scapegoat."

I sighed, "I'm sorry. I don't even know why I brought it up. Forget I said anything."

He nodded, but was obviously bothered by the fact that I still even mentioned Sean.

Before he had a chance to express how he really felt the front door opened upstairs. "Jason?" A female voice bellowed.

"I'm down here, mom!" He yelled back.

In entered the mother of Jason Hoggart. She was tall, and very slender. She had golden-blond hair, which was pulled up into a high ponytail. Her skin was golden, presumably from time spent in the sun. Her kind blue eyes, and smile made her seem extremely personable, and, quite frankly, beautiful. "Hello," she spoke, looking at me, "you must be Emma."

I nodded, "Yeah."

"It's nice to _finally_ meet you. With the way Jason speaks about you I was beginning to think that you might be imaginary..."

"Mom!" He exclaimed, looking slightly embarrassed and pleading with his eyes for her not to go any further.

"I'm just saying," she said, ignoring him, and looking back over to me, "he has never spoken so highly of anyone." He groaned, looking at her. "Will you be having dinner with us tonight, Emma?"

My mind started to race. I didn't want to eat. I couldn't eat. I frowned, biting me lip. I couldn't exactly say no, as I was planning to spend the night. "That would be great, thank you..." I paused, trying to grasp at what her last name may be, and what I should call her.

"It's Hoggart," she smiled, "but call me Catherine."

"Thank you, Catherine," I replied.

"Actually," Jay spoke up, "Emma's going to be spending the night."

She smiled, "Jason, can I speak to you alone for a minute?"

I panicked, I thought Jay had said she would be fine with me staying. I frowned slightly as she beckoned him into the adjoining room, presumably the laundry room.

They entered again a few minutes later, and Jay came back to sit next to me; Catherine gave me a quick smile before disappearing again up the stairs.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"Don't worry about it," he mumbled, turning on the television, and putting it on Much Music.

"Tell me," I prodded.

"It's nothing," he insisted.

"I can just call Manny and see if she'll take me in awhile," I suggested.

"What are you talking about?"

"If your mom doesn't want me to stay the night..."

"It's not that. It wasn't about you...well, it was, but not like that."

"Jay!"

He sighed, "She gave me a sex talk."

"What?" I asked, laughing.

"She lectured me!" He exclaimed, exasperated. "Me! I mean, I'm _her_ son. She wanted to make sure that I wasn't planning on sleeping with you tonight, because, and I quote, 'She seems like a good girl.'"

I laughed, "She wanted to protect me from you."

"Shut up," he said, laughing himself.

"She thinks I'm too good for you," I teased.

"She never gave me a sex talk with any other girls I've brought home."

"How many girls_ have _you brought home?" I asked, wondering which number notch I was on his belt.

"What does it matter?"

"That many?"

He smirked, "Em, come on..."

"I'm just curious."

"Fine," he sighed. "Four."

"Four!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"Including me?"

"No."

"Ohhh..." I dead panned.

"Well, most were nothing, Em." I didn't say anything. "Want me to go over my history?" I still didn't say anything. "Okay then. Number one, Mandy, I was fourteen. We dated for six months in ninth grade. Number two, Julia, met her at a party a few months later. We messed around for about three months."

"Messed around?" I asked, wanting more clarification.

"Just fooled around," he explained. "Sex and nothing more. Then, I met Alex at the end of that school year. I didn't sleep with anyone else until this year..."

"Amy?"

He nodded, "Yeah, Amy."

"Maybe four isn't that many...I mean, when you think about it."

"Nah," he replied, shaking his head. "I only really cared for three of the girls I've ever slept with, and maybe only loved two."

I thought about that for a minute. So he cared about Mandy and Alex, and me, I guess; but, who had he loved! Alex and...me? Maybe Mandy? Before I had a chance to inquire further Catherine spoke from the stop of the stairs.

"Jason, Emma! Pizza's here!"

He smiled, "Did I mention that my mom doesn't really cook?"

I forced a smile. _How was I going to get through this?_

We sat around the table, made small talk, and I forced myself to eat two pieces. When we were finished I quietly excused myself from the table, asking where the bathroom was. After getting a concerned look from Jay, I closed the door behind me, and ran the water in the sink. Then, just as I had done before, I purged, letting the toxic filth leave my body, before it had a chance to settle in my already fat thighs. Finishing, I flushed the toilet, and washed out my mouth. I opened the door, bumping into Jay who stood on the other side. "Geez!" I exclaimed. "You scared the hell out of me."

"You sure ran that water for a long time."

"Well, I didn't want you to hear me pee," I joked.

He didn't smile. "How much do you weigh?" He asked, seriously.

I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest, "A lady never tells."

"I'd say you're around 100..."

I cringed at the thought. That was huge! I mean, it wasn't anywhere near my goal. "Probably not," was all I said.

"That's not a whole lot, Em. You're about 5'9...so it's pretty damn small. You look frail."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not."

"Why are you bringing this up now?" I exclaimed.

"Because I'm worried."

I laughed meanly, "You weren't worried last night when we had sex, were you?"

He frowned, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm just saying, if you were so concerned you might have noticed how skinny I was when I was naked!"

"I...I wasn't paying attention then...I..."

"I guess boys brains really do let the dick do all the thinking sometimes." He looked frustrated. Good, anything to get the focus away from any of my issues. "I mean, how can you think about my well being when I'm offering up something way more interesting?"

He frowned, "Em..."

"No!" I exclaimed. "Maybe Alex was right."

"What are you talking about?"

"Devirginizer?"

"You're being a bitch."

"Maybe I'm finally speaking my mind."

He stood there fuming for a moment, looking extremely flustered, obviously trying to regain his cool. "You know what? Fine. Be a bitch, see if I care. You can stay here tonight, and then I want you gone. You're room's at the end of the hall, to the left. I put a clean tshirt and shorts on the bed for you. I'll see you tomorrow." He then turned away and went down the hall; I heard his car squeal out of the driveway moments later.

I sighed, walking down the hall to 'my room'. It was a small room, obviously for a guest. I frowned, slightly looking at myself in the full length mirror. No matter what Jay said, one hundred pounds was still too much. Then, feeling fidgety at the mere thought of being in the triple digits, I rushed to the bathroom, hopping on the scale. I bit my lip nervously, looking down at the digital read out: 98. I smiled, happy with the outcome, although I could do better. Feeling stressed from the incident with Jay, and then the one with my parents earlier, I needed to relax; so, I ran the water in the tub, putting in some jasmine extract, and got in. I sighed, letting the hot water soak me. I closed my eyes tightly, trying my hardest to forget the last two days of my life. No such luck.

So, after about twenty minutes I got out; I wrapped myself in a large white towel and made my way to the guest room. On the way I ran into Catherine.

"Hi, honey," she greeted, smiling.

"Hi."

"Everything okay?"

I forced a small smile, "Yeah, everything's fine."

"I heard the two of you argue earlier," she paused, seeing the concern on my face. "Don't worry," she smiled. "I didn't hear what it was about. I just wanted to check up on you. Jason can have quite the quick temper, I'm sure he didn't mean anything he said."

"I think I might of been the one to say the mean things," I told her.

"He called."

"He did?" I asked.

"He wanted me to check up on you, make sure everything was fine. He also said he'd be home late tonight."

I nodded, "Did he say where he was going?"

"No, just that I shouldn't worry," she laughed. "But, how many times can a mother hear that and still believe it."

I smiled, "I'm sure he's fine."

"Oh, I know. He's been different lately. He's more at ease. Probably a lot to do with you," she said, winking. I shrugged. "Don't be modest," she insisted. "That boy likes you...mother's know. I'm glad he's found a girl like you. I mean, Alex was nice, just a bit...rough around the edges?" She laughed, and then looked to my clothing, or lack thereof, and smiled. "Guess I'll let you get changed. If you need anything else, just let me know."

"Thanks," I replied, walking to the room. I glanced at the alarm clock on the night stand, it was a bit after ten. Usually, I would never think of going to bed that early, but with everything I had been through that day, I was more than willing to throw on the tshirt and pair of boxers and hop under the covers. I closed my eyes, and was asleep in no more than five minutes.

I awoke to a light rapping on the door. I frowned, pulling the covers over me head.

"Em," I heard Jay call from the other side.

"What?" I grumbled.

"Can I come in?"

I sighed, "Yeah."

He entered, "Mind if I sit?"

"No," I responded, sitting up, and looking over to the alarm clock, it was two in the morning.

"I think we should talk."

I yawned, "Now?"

"Now," he replied. "I just got in, and I've been thinking all night."

"Where were you?" I asked.

"The ravine."

"Always a classy choice," I said sarcastically.

"I went to clear my mind...nothing more."

I nodded, "Okay."

"First off," he said, sighing, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken off like that."

I sighed, "It's probably best you did. Who knows what else I would have said to you."

"About that. Do you really think that us sleeping together was just some sort of twisted conquest to me?"

I frowned, "No."

"Because it wasn't. It meant something to me, Em. It was special." He stopped talking, shifting nervously on the bed. "I just need to know...are you sure that you're healthy?"

"Yes," I lied without hesitation.

"Positive? I mean, you're eating and everything?"

"Jay," I sighed. "I wouldn't lie to you."

"I just can't let anything happen to you. Not after what happened to Katie."

I nodded, "I know. I mean, I am losing weight, but I think it's just from stress. When I stress I tend to eat a little less, and maybe exercise a little more."

"So, you'll try to get that under control?"

"Absolutely," I lied.

"Okay," he said lightly. "Good."

"So, you want to sleep with me?" I asked, laughing.

"What!"

"I mean next to me, you perv!"

He laughed, "Sure."

So, he got under the covers and wrapped his arms around me. "Night, Green peace."

"Good night, Hoggart."

I couldn't deny the fact that his arms around me was one of the most pleasant feelings I have ever experienced.

* * *

We woke to the sound of Jay's cell phone ringing the next morning, at eight. We both groaned, as he reach into his pants pocket to retrieve it. "Yeah? What? No. No. Spin, no. Okay, fine. Yeah, I'll be there in like half an hour. Uh huh, right. Bye." He sighed, getting out of bed.

"Where are you going?" I yawned, pulling off the blankets, and rubbing my eyes.

"Spin has some doctor's appointment or something, and couldn't get anyone to fill in for him at work."

"So you're doing it?"

"Looks like it," he smiled. "You coming? I'll be done at lunch."

"Yeah, just let me get dressed."

"Okay,"he nodded. "We're leaving in five minutes."

I sighed as he left the room; I didn't have any clean clothes at his house.

"Here," Jay said, coming back into the room and throwing at me a white knitted sweater, and beige bermuda's.

"What's this?" I asked, looking at the clothing.

"They're clothes, Genius. I knew you didn't have anything here, so my mom loaned you this.

I smiled, "Thanks."

He nodded, leaving the room to get dressed himself. I changed out of the pajamas I was in, and into my clothing for the day. I went to the bathroom quickly, and threw my hair into a messy knot at the nape of my neck. Then, put some toothpaste on my forefinger, swiping along my teeth, after rinsing out my mouth, I left to meet Jay in the kitchen.

"Ready?" He asked, grabbing his wallet off the kitchen counter, and placing it in his back pocket.

"Yeah. Um, do you have anything to read?"

"What?"

"Well, if I'm going to be sitting there until lunch, I think I should have something to read or something."

He smiled, leaving the room, and reentering, throwing a book in my direction. I caught it, looking quickly at the title, The Lovely Bones. "It's my mom's favourite," he supplied, noticing the look of doubt I had cast his way. "I think she likes the idea that the people you love are still looking down on you, even if they're not alive." He shrugged, "Let's go."

I obliged, following him outside, and into his car. The ride was fairly silent, and not for any particular reason. I suppose we were both a bit tired. We pulled up in front of The Dot about twenty minutes later, it was now eight forty five in the morning, and the prospect of sitting in the restaurant for another four hours was daunting. However, I sat there, for four hours and twenty-nine minutes, reading the book that Jay had tossed me earlier that morning. I was over half way done when he came to sit with me at the table. I smiled, taking a napkin and folding it, placing it in the book to hold my place. "It's great," I told him, when I had placed it down.

"Good," he smiled. "So, lunch?"

I frowned, "I think maybe I should be getting home."

He looked at my doubtfully, "Uh huh. Well, first let me buy you something to eat. I won't take no for an answer.

"Fine," I sighed. "Buy me lunch."

"Fries it is," he stated, turning to greet Spinner who had just walked up to our table.

The fries eventually arrived, and I looked at them with the look of someone deeply wronged. I bit my lip, trying to figure a way out of the situation. "Ketchup," I blurted out, causing Jay to jump.

"What?"

"I can't eat fries without ketchup," I lied.

He nodded, leaving the table to retrieve a bottle. As soon as he left, I began to shovel the fries from the plate into my pants pocket. When he came back moments later, half of the fries on our plate were gone. He frowned, "That was fast."

I nodded, pretending to still be chewing on a fry. "I love french fries."

"That's funny," he said, looking at me accusingly, "I thought you said you couldn't eat fries without ketchup."

I stood up, "I think I need some fresh air." I wasn't about to get into a fight with Jay in the middle of The Dot. I hurried out the door, getting hit with rain as soon as I stepped outside.

As expected, Jay soon followed. "Where'd you put them?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Emma."

I stood defiantly, staring at him with an entirely straight face; in a way, I was challenging him. "I don't know what you're talking about," I repeated coldly.

He sighed heavily, and then looked down towards the pocket on my pants. "So you always keep fries in your pants?"

I tried to play it off, "Well...Napoleon had his..."

"Stop," he stated simply, shaking his head in a way that said clearly that he was both angry and disappointed. "You lied to me. I asked you more than once if you were eating, and you said yes."

"I am eating!" I exclaimed, beginning to get frustrated.

"No you're not! I mean, fuck! After everything that you know about, you still haven't been eating!"

"I have!" I screamed, obviously fighting a war that had already been lost.

"You know what?" He said, looking at my with both anger and sadness. "I can't do this."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's too much," he stated, averting my eyes.

"Jay," I sighed, "I'm fine. I promise. I'll try eating more..."

He shook his head, "No."

"No?"

"No," he repeated. "I'm not doing this. I've already lost someone this way, and I won't do it again. If you want to die, go ahead, but I won't sit around and wait for it." He then turned away from me completely, and walked towards the driver's seat of his car.

"Jay!" I yelled at him, pleading at him to come back. "Jay!" But it was too late. He was gone. I collapsed, plopping onto the curb. I started to cry, my body heaving with the heavy sobs. I couldn't loose him, he was all I had.

"Emma?" A voice said softly from behind me, as the door to The Dot opened.

I turned around to face Spinner, who was now holding my book. He came and sat next to me, handing the book to me. "Thanks," I managed to say through the sputtered sobs.

"What happened?" He asked.

"Nothing," I replied, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of Catherine's sweater.

He smiled kindly, "Are you lying?" I nodded. "You need a ride home?" I nodded again. "Let me just go in and tell the boss, and I'll be right out. Okay?"

"You don't have to," I said.

"Too late, it's done," he replied, going inside.

I got into Spinner's car, and we drove. The ride was mostly silent, as we listened to Downtown Sasquatch's newest song. "Thanks," I said, when the song ended.

"No problem," he replied. "So, what happened with Jay?"

"None of your business," I told him coldly.

"Point taken," he responded. "I just thought that with everything that happened with him...with the shooting and everything. I mean, if you can forgive him for that, you should be able to forgive him for anything."

I frowned, _what did Jay have to do with the shooting?_ "I don't know what you're talking about," I told him.

"Never mind," he replied quicky.

"Spinner, you need to tell me what Jay has to do with the shooting."

"Forget I said anything."

"Tell me," I replied a little more forcefully this time. "I swear, if you don't tell me within the next minute I will jump out of this car."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, "we're going like eighty kilometres an hour." I opened the passenger door, showing him exactly how ridiculous I was willing to be. " Fine!" I closed the door. "Should I pull over or something?"

"Spin, it's rush hour. Where exactly should we pull over?"

"Good point," he replied nervously. Clearly what he was about to tell me was a big deal. "Can we wait until we get to your house at least? I really don't want to be responsible for a car accident."

I nodded, "Whatever." We arrived at my house about fifteen agonizingly long minutes later. "Do you want to come in?" I asked, sighing when he didn't say anything.

"Sure," he replied, following me into the house.

It was empty, which was probably the best, considering my parents probably wouldn't be overly happy to see me at the moment. I gestured to the couch, "Sit," I told him, making myself comfortable in the chair in front of the window.

He obliged, sitting down and playing with the keys of his car nervously. "I haven't told anyone about this. Not even Craig or Marco...or..." he paused, looking upset.

"Jimmy?" I offered.

He cringed at the sound of his best friend's name. I found that fairly strange. "Yeah," he replied. "I haven't even told Jimmy."

"Well," I said, "rather than dragging this out longer than it needs to be. Why don't you tell me what's up?"

He nodded, "Well, we bullied Rick..."

"You're not telling me anything I don't know, Spin," I interrupted.

"That's not it," he stated. "No interruptions, let me get this out." I nodded in agreement, and he continued. "Well, when Jimmy joined the team with you guys, it was like he betrayed me. I know it's stupid, but I thought we were, like, united against Rick or something. I mean, with the whole Terri thing. Well, I was pissed. Jay joined in when I tormented him, I don't know what his reasons were," he stated.

"He wanted to belong."

"Right," he agreed. "Maybe. Anyway, the day of the competition came and we decided it was time to get him good. So, we planned to whole paint thing...Jay, Alex, and I." He must have seen my look of horror, but he continued on despite it. "Then, we knew he was in the bathroom, and decided to talk about how Jimmy had planned the whole thing. He must have heard, because the next thing I knew..."

"Jimmy had been shot, and Rick was dead," I stated.

"Yeah."

"Get out!" I screamed, feeling as though everything was collapsing around me.

"Emma, calm down. I didn't..."

"Get the fuck out of my house! Now! Get out!" I opened the door, and he quickly exited through it.

I ran down the stairs to my bedroom, throwing myself onto my bed. I started to cry hysterically. I didn't know what to think anymore. My life was already so messed up, how could it get even worse? The only person that I had come to trust since the shooting had been one of the main causes. Sure, I hadn't been perfect before the shooting, but I wasn't nearly as screwed up. I felt like the walls around me were about to crumble, and soon the roof over my head would collapse, and I'd be crushed to death.

* * *

I don't know how long I had cried for, or when I fell asleep; but, when I woke up it was dark, and Jay was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I sat up quickly.

"Your parents aren't home," he stated.

"What do you want?" I asked harshly.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I'm just worried about you."

"_Fuck _your worry."

"Em," he protested.

"When were you planning to tell me?" I asked.

"What?"

"When did you plan on telling me that you were the reason I had a gun pointed at my head."

His eyes bulged, clearly I had hit a part of him that he hadn't been protecting. "Wh...what are you talking about?"

"The paint," I stated simply. "It was all you."

"How..."

"Spinner was nice enough to drive me home."

"It wasn't all my fault," he argued.

"Rick was gonna go home. He was going to leave. Sure, the paint had been bad, but he was going to go home. Paige apologized, and he realized that despite a few assholes, it wasn't worth death. Then, the assholes didn't stop. They couldn't let it be."

"Em..."

"So, they decided to pin it all on Jimmy. Someone with a big enough heart to let the past be just that, the past. Rick felt betrayed, one of the only people he thought he could trust decided to betray him. You know what he did next?" I asked, starting to become hysterical. "He went and paralyzed Jimmy. Then, he came and decided to point the gun at me. He probably would have killed me, if it hadn't have been for Sean. Then, Rick died. The end." I replied, with a twisted smile. "Everyone ended up okay, didn't they? I mean, I'm fine, right?"

"Em..."

"Jimmy's probably about to do a jumpshot."

"Em!"

"Rick will probably go on to win Jeopardy."

"Emma!"

"You know what's the best part!" I exclaimed, crying. "I blamed myself. I thought this was all my fault. He kissed me, and I destroyed him. It wasn't my fault. It was all you."

"Fine!" He yelled loudly, causing me to jump. "It was all my fault." He stopped talking, and started pacing the room, his hands covering his face. When he faced me again he had tears running down his cheeks. I had never seen him cry before. "Don't you think I know that? I think about it every day. Every fucking day! If it weren't for me, Rick would be alive, Jimmy would be playing ball, you'd be mentally stable, and Sean would still be here." He collapsed against the wall, breaking into sobs. "I've done a lot of fucked up things, Green peace, but I've never been a murderer."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I couldn't even admit it to myself."

"Why'd you do it?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly.

"He left the school after I hurt him," I stated simply.

"What?"

"He didn't have the gun until after I told him I thought he was pathetic," I starting to breakdown in sobs myself.

He stood up, coming to sit next to me on the bed. "It's not your fault."

"He didn't have the gun!" I exclaimed. "If I hadn't have been such a bitch, no one would have been shot. Everything leads back to me," I cried.

"Shhh," he soothed, enveloping me in a tight, but comforting embrace.

We both laid down on top of my covers. We were silent, both deep in our own thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about the shooting. Was it Jay's fault anymore than my own?Maybe no one could be blamed; maybe Rick was just an emotionally unstable boy. Maybe he would have done it all if neither of us had done a thing.

I started to get sleepy. The last thing I remembered was Jay getting off the bed and tucking me in. He leaned over and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "I love you, Green peace."

**15 pages and 7000 words later this chapter is done! I have about six more chapters planned, so stay tuned! Thank you again for all the amazing reviews. I wouldn't continue if it weren't for the few of you that write such encouraging words. Especially the two of you who wrote me very long, and nice notes. Now, it's 5:35 am, and I need sleep.**

**REVIEW please!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry it took so long to update. To be perfectly honest, the chapters are usually written in three sitting periods, but it takes me awhile to get to the point where I can just sit and write. I know exactly what will happen in each chapter, and how the entire story will end, but it takes me some time to get there. Oh, and I just recently started two jobs, so I'm busy/tired pretty much all the time. However, I won't let this stop me from finishing.**

**Well, here's chapter nine! This is a shorter chapter than usually, but it's for a reason. This chapter is a set up for the second part of this story, which will be pretty different than the first half.**

**Oh and to those who asked, "Isn't his name Hogart?" I think so, but when you're writing a 7000 word chapter, an extra 'G' is the least of your concern, haha. I'll try to be more consistent...actually, every time I write his name I find myself questioning it. AND, I realize that chapter seven took place on Friday, and eight on Saturday...and technically this should be a Sunday, but it wouldn't work for me, so let's pretend that Sunday doesn't exist. Great.**

**AN: I don't own Degrassi. Shock, I know.**

When I woke up the next morning it was still dark, meaning that it was probably only five. I frowned, throwing off my comforter, realizing that I was still in my clothes from the day before. I sighed, starting to remember everything that had happened. Jay wouldn't let the eating thing go, and it resulted in a huge fight. Then, as if it hadn't been enough; I found out that Jay was one of the elements that resulted in the shooting.

Stepping out of bed, and onto the startling cold concrete floor, I was reminded of the day before the last when I had fled from my parents. Assuming that they were probably still mad, even more than they had been, I decided to skip out before they woke. So, I passed on the shower, not wanting to alert them, and simply threw on a black tank top, with a light pink cardigan, and a pair of blue jeans. I grabbed my backpack, and tiptoed my way up the stairs, and out the front door.

I started my way down the street with the idea of meeting Jay; and, that's when I remembered. Jay had said that he loved me. _How was I supposed to react to that?_ I frowned, stopping to consider any other options. An hour later, I arrived at the front door of Manny's apartment. I knocked, smiling when her mother opened the door.

"Emma!" She exclaimed, surprised.

"Mrs. Santos," I greeted. "Is Manny awake?"

She shook her head, "No, but she should be soon. Come in."

"Thanks," I replied, entering as she shut the door behind me.

"You're mother's been looking for you."

I nodded, "We got into a little arguement."

"She was very worried."

"Well, I went home last night; and, everything's fine now," I lied.

She smiled, "That's good. Well," she added, as we stood silently, "why don't you go see Manuela, she should be in bed."

I agreed, walking down the hall of the small apartment, to the door at the end, to the left, where I knew Manny's room was. I opened the door quietly, then shut it behind me. Then, dropping my backpack first, I ran, jumping onto Manny's peaceful figure.

She jumped up, "What the hell?!"

I smiled innocently, moving over to sit at the end of her bed.

"Emma?"

I laughed, "Good morning, Sunshine."

"What are you doing here?" She asked, lying back down, and pulling the blanket over her head.

"Can't a friend just visit another friend at..." I looked at the alarm clock on her dresser, "six thirty-five?"

"No," she groaned. "Not unless they're clinically insane. "

I smiled, "Guilty."

She mumbled a swear under her breath, and threw off her blankets, sitting up to face me. "Have you been home yet?"

"Yes," I told her.

"Have you talked to your parents yet?"

"No..."

"They were going crazy," she told me. "They pretty much contacted all of Degrassi."

"Not Jay," I said, smiling mischievously.

"Well, they tried calling the number he had listed..."

"And?"

"It was a Chinese restaurant." We both laughed, and then she paused looking at me oddly. "You really like him, don't you?"

I sighed, "I don't know."

She laughed, "Uh huh, nice try."

"I mean it!" I exclaimed. "I have no idea how I feel about him."

"Well," she said, sitting up straight, "I have some time before I really need to get ready. Tell me everything."

"I don't know where to start."

"The beginning?" She suggested, smiling.

I nodded, and then began. I told her about the van. I told her about the time I passed out, and he carried me to my room. I told her about the beach after the disaster at the play. I told her about him teaching me to drive. I told her about losing my virginity.

"What!?"

I hid my faced, embarrassed. "Yeah."

"You slut!" She exclaimed, jokingly hitting me. Then, moving in closer to me, as if about to say something serious, she whispered, "Was he any good?"

I laughed, "Manny!"

"Well?"

I bit my lip, nodding. "But that isn't the issue."

"What is?"

"I don't know how I feel about him."

"Yeah you do," she said flatly.

"Huh?"

"Emma, you spend every minute of every day with him. You guys are never without each other..."

"So?"

"So," she stated, "I've never seen you that comfortable with anyone. Not even Sean," she added at the last minute.

I frowned, "He said he loved me."

"So?"

"I don't think I love him," I told her honestly.

"That's something you need to figure out on you own, Em," she said, standing up and looking at her alarm, which read seven thirty. "Crap! I need to get ready. Take the bus with me?"

I nodded, taking out my History book to look at while she quickly got ready, as we needed to be at the bus in twenty minutes.

We eventually made it to school, and I said goodbye to Manny, as she went to Math, and I headed off to History. I was halfway to class when I saw him. There he was, Jay Hogart, standing in between me and my only way to class. Skipping wasn't an option, as I valued my life too much to risk getting slaughtered by my parents. So, brushing my hair over my face, I attempted to skirt on past him.

"Emma!"

No such luck. I swung the hair away from my face, feigning surprise. "Jay! Hi...I didn't see you there."

He nodded. "I called your house this morning."

"You did?"

"Yeah. You're parents weren't exactly happy about it."

I smiled slightly, "What did they say?"

"Well, after lecturing me full tilt about me not making you call them, they told me that they hadn't seen you since you ran off."

I shrugged, "So?"

"Where were you this morning?"

"I went to Manny's. We had some things that we had to talk about...for English."

"For English," he repeated, in a disbelieving tone.

"Yeah. Well, I should probably get going. I have History..."

"Okay. Um, about yesterday..."

"Yeah?"

"Are we okay?"

"Of course," I replied, smiling. What I was feeling on the inside didn't exactly match the outside. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to act normally around him anymore; there were so many elements to our relationship that even I had trouble understanding it.

"Good," he said, although I could tell he was as uncomfortable as I was.

"I'll talk to you later?"

He nodded, "Yeah...later."

As we went our separate ways I found myself questioning it all. Had we come to the point when it would be just to much to be together? Could we function normally together? Did I still need him? After all, Manny and I were getting closer again.

I reached the door of the classroom, and shrugged it all off. As I sat, my heart started beating quickly, and my breathing started to quicken. I went through the rest of the day in a state of panic, as though my heart was trying to break out of my chest.

Classes went unbearably slow; so, when English was over at three, I practically ran out of the room. I had agreed to "have a danish" with Manny, and was pretty shocked to see Craig standing at her locker, with her, when I arrived. I watched them for awhile, as they seemed to be having a pretty intense conversation. Then, feeling a bit like a stalker, I casually walked up to them. "Hey, guys."

"Emma!" Craig exclaimed, suspiciously over excitedly.

"Craig," I greeted plainly. "So, what were you two talking about?"

"Nothing," they both answered quickly.

"Uh huh," I nodded, disbelievingly. "You two don't talk for a year, and then all of a sudden you're best friends?"

Manny smiled, fairly forced. "Well..."

"We finally found that we had something in common," Craig quipped.

"Riiiiight..." I replied, smiling with suspicion. "And what might this almighty link be?"

"You?" Craig supplied.

"Listen," I told them seriously, "if you guys are starting up again, I don't want to be involved."

"No!" Craig exclaimed. "We're not 'starting' up again. We just, uh...realized that we're both friends with you, and that we should probably get used to seeing each other more often..."

"Okay," I replied, still not buying a word of what he was saying.

"So," Manny spoke up, "let's go get something to eat."

'Sure," I replied, forcing a smile as we began to walk.

We were halfway to The Dot when someone spoke again. This time it was Craig, "Em, we... we actually wanted to talk to you."

"About...?"

"Well..."

"We're worried about you, Em," Manny supplied.

All three of us stopped walking, and I frowned. "What are you getting at?"

"You've just been a bit off lately," Manny replied.

"How?"

"Well," she began, "You're grades. I mean, you hardly hand anything in anymore. You barely talk in class, and you skipped class on Friday."

"I don't see how that's any of your concern," I told her.

"What about that night I drove you home from rehearsal?" Craig asked, referencing the time I had flipped out on him, and later fainted.

"What about it?" I asked, beginning to get annoyed.

"You didn't seem healthy."

"You're just bringing it up now?" I asked, laughing meanly. "That happened over a month ago, Craig."

"You had sex with Jay!" Manny exclaimed.

"So? You had sex last year, with Craig; and, if I remember correctly, _you _got pregnant. _I_ used protection," I replied harshly.

Manny frowned, looking truly hurt that I had brought up her pregnancy, which subsequently resulted in her abortion. "That's not fair," she replied. "I...I thought I loved Craig. You even said that you don't love Jay."

"I'm not getting the point," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Why would you do it then? I mean, the Emma I know wouldn't have sex with someone that she didn't love."

"Then, maybe you don't know me well enough."

"We just think you should see someone," Craig replied, looking at me with eyes full of concern.

"This is ridiculous," I sighed. "I mean, where were you guys when I needed you the most. I had a gun pointed at my head, where were you? I have a fucking nervous breakdown, and you two are both too busy in your own stupid lives that you can't help me? I mean, Christ, the two of you were too busy fucking each other to even care a thing about me, and now...and now, you just expect me to be grateful that you're coming to _help_ me?"

"Em, we just think..." Manny began, but I interrupted her.

"You just what? You know what I think? I think that you two should just fuck off. That's what I think. I think that Jay was the only one who was around when I needed people the most. Sure, at first it was only for blow jobs in a dirty van, but then...then he was just there. So, you know what I really think? I think that you two should just leave me the hell alone." I paused, looking at them. " I think that Jay has been the only one there for me. I think he's the only one who actually gives a damn." I stopped, looking at the two of them who were now speechless. I turned around, marching off in the direction of my house; anything would be better than standing on the sidewalk during your own, personal intervention.

If I had stayed for only a few more minutes I would have seen Jay approaching the two of them, and then them getting into Jay's car. I would have known not to go home.

I arrived home about twenty minutes later, and, physically, I was feeling even worse. I felt like my chest could collapse at any moment. All I wanted to do was to lay down.

No such luck.

The first thing I noticed when I reached my house was Jay's orange Civic, which was now parked in my driveway. I frowned, but then realized that he had probably came over to try and sort things out with us. I smiled, and quickened my pace. I wanted to see him, especially after everything that had happened with Manny and Craig earlier.

So, it was quite a jar when, instead of just Jay, I was greeted with the concerned looks of my parents, Craig, and Manny. I turned to run out the door, but Craig beat me to it, blocking the door. "Em, sit down," he suggested, looking truly worried.

"What's going on?" I asked, looking directly at Jay.

"We're worried about you," Manny stated. I looked over at her. She was crying.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied weakly. My head was starting to spin, and I was hyperventilating slightly.

"You know exactly what we're talking about," Jay said, his expression hard as stone.

"This is rich," I laughed harshly. "The bunch of you...holding an intervention for me!"

"Em," my mom said quietly.

"No!" I exclaimed. "Like I'm the only one with problems here! You!" I exclaimed looking at Manny. "You became the school slut." At this point, it was easier to point out the flaws in them, then to have to face up to my own. I felt betrayed. I felt weak. I felt angry. "Any you!" I exclaimed, spinning around to face Craig. "You can't even decide who you want to be with! You got her pregnant!"

"Emma!" Snake said, his voice strong, trying to get me to stop.

I couldn't stop. "Mom," I said in a mock sweet voice. "You couldn't even tell me about my own father. You kept him from me!" Then, I turned to Jay, and it wasn't so much anger anymore. I felt mostly betrayal and sadness. I started to cry. "How could you do this to me? I trusted you..."

"That's why I'm here," he said, looking at me full with concern. "I love you too much to let you kill yourself. I love you too much to let you leave."

"And what if I don't love you?" I asked, meanly.

I could see how much that hurt him, but I wasn't so sure I cared anymore. "Then, I'll still be here."

"Just let us help you," Snake stated, taking me out of the two person connection I had been feeling with Jay, and bringing me back to reality. I was in a room full of people who thought I was crazy, who wanted to put me away. They wanted to put me away just like they had put my dad away. I started to panic. I wouldn't go. I wouldn't.

I ran out of the room, running down the stairs to me room, and started to throw things around. If they were going to take me away, I was going to make it as difficult as possible for them. They followed me down the stairs. My chest felt like it was ready to collapse.

"Emma!" My mom exclaimed. "Please stop!" I wouldn't.

"Em!" Manny screamed, looking completely distraught.

My head started to spin. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. I fell over. I landed on the floor with a thump, and I could barely breathe anymore. I heard Snake yell in the background, he sounded distant, "Craig! Call 911!"

I vaguely remember the ambulance arriving. I was barely conscious when they loaded me into the back. I woke up in a hospital bed, with tubes coming out of my nose and arms. I went to grab them out, but was stopped by a man in a white coat. "Where am I?"

"County General," the man stated. Looking down at a slate he had in his hands.

"Em?" I heard my mom ask from my side.

I turned, looking at here. "What happened?"

"You had a panic attack."

I smiled slightly, "No big deal. When can I go home?" I asked, turning to face the doctor again."The attack was brought on by your eating disorder."

"I don't have an eating disorder," I stated simply.

"Emma," Snake sighed. "It's okay."

I frowned, looking around the room; no sign of Jay. "He's in the waiting room with Manny and Craig," my mom said.

I nodded. "Can I see him?"

"Emma," the doctor stated. "You need to rest tonight. You can have visitors tomorrow."

"I want to see him now!" I exclaimed.

"You need to admit you have a problem," the doctor stated.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're wasting away," the doctor replied.

"I'm fine," I argued. Then, I started to feel tired. "I don't need to be here..." I was unconscious again. Sedatives tend to do that to you.

I, Emma Nelson, was in the hospital. I was practically dying, and I still couldn't admit that I had a problem. I didn't have an eating disorder. I was fine.


	10. Chapter 10

**I hope everyone is liking the story. I really like where I'm taking it. I know that the first two chapters were pretty bad, but I think that's it's good now. Anyway, this is the first chapter that will switch focus between Emma and another character.**

**I am SO sorry this has taken so long to update. There are one or two more chapters left, and then this should be finished. I'm currently working two jobs, so I don't exactly have much spare time, and when I do I'm quite tired. Thank you to those who have stuck around.**

**PLEASE review, I love feedback. **

**p.s...This chapter was one of the hardest to put together, and I'm still not 100 satisfied. Anyway, here you are.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

When I woke up, my vision was fairly blurry; and, I felt extremely exhausted. I figure that I probably got about ten hours of sleep, but it wasn't good enough. I was ready to close my eyes, and go back to sleep, but then someone in the room spoke. "Em?"

I shifted in the bed, being careful not to mess up the tubes they had attached to me. Manny was sitting next to me, tissue bunched in her hand, it was obvious that she had been crying. "Manny..." I managed to croak out, my throat had never felt so parched.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, trying not to cry, but her breaking voice gave away that she wasn't far from it.

"Like death," I stated, meaning it as a joke, but it didn't work well in the situation.

She forced a small smile, "I was really scared," she said. I closed my eyes, not sure what to say. "I thought you were going to die."

I opened my eyes again, staring at her. "Well, I'm still here."

"Barely," she replied, looking upset.

"Manny..."

"No," she said, starting to get either angry or frustrated, or both. "If you don't take care of this you could die."

"I'm..."

"Fine?!" She exclaimed. "Emma, you have an eating disorder," she said, shaking her head.

"Just leave me alone," I told her, turning my body away from her.

She started to cry, "Em, you need to take care of yourself. I need you. You can't leave me alone..."

"You're not alone," I stated icily.

"Who else do I have?!" She exclaimed angrily. "Craig?" She asked, laughing harshly. "Craig will never love me. He will never care about me...not the way I need to be cared about. Em, you're the only one who gets me. You're the only one that I can talk to. I don't have anyone else."

"I'll be fine," I told her.

"No you won't!" She exclaimed. "Not until you finally admit that you have a problem!"

"Miss Santos?" A man, presumably the doctor, interrupted.

"Yeah?" She asked, standing up, and grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair.

"I need to talk to Emma alone."

She nodded, "Okay."

Once she had left the room, to doctor came to stand next to me. "How are you feeling today?"

"Horrible," I told him, truthfully.

"That's understandable," he replied. "Your body has been going through quite a bit lately..."

"Yeah, it could have nothing to do with everything you pumped into my body yesterday?" I asked him, meanly.

"Emma," he sighed. "I'm going to be completely honest with you. If you don't admit you have a problem, and start eating on your own, you won't make it." I didn't say anything. "We can feed you through tubes, but it isn't the same. It's all about _you_, Emma. _You _need to fix this."

I still didn't respond, mostly because I had no idea what to say. I mean, I knew that I wasn't eating, and I knew that you were supposed to; but, the thought of eating made me sick. I wasn't thin enough. My mind was racing.

"Well, I hope someone will be able to get through to you. There's someone waiting outside," he said, leaving.

I frowned, turning to lay straight on my back. I closed my eyes tightly, trying my best to comprehend everything that was happening. Everyone seemed so upset at what was happening to me, but I couldn't even understand what that was exactly. Part of me knew that I had to eat, or I would probably die. The other part of me thought everyone was overreacting, and that I would be fine. I was stubborn, and only let people know the second part of me. Truthfully, I was scared...I didn't want to die; but, I also didn't want to eat. Talk about a catch twenty-two.

I opened my eyes again, and noticed that Jay had entered the room. "Hi," I greeted weakly.

"Hey," he greeted back. "I brought you this," he said, handing me a white teddy bear.

I smiled, "Thanks."

"I know that places like this can get kind of impersonal sometimes, so I thought I'd bring you something to make you feel a bit more at ease."

"That was sweet," I told him. "Sit," I said, gesturing to the chair next to my bed.

We sat in silence for awhile, neither of us sure what to say. Then, he spoke, "About the thing I said..." he began.

"What thing?"

"Never mind," he said.

"Jay..."

"I'm sorry if it freaked you out. I mean, I meant it...I just didn't want it to scare you."

I smiled, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He sighed, clearly wishing that he had said nothing at all. "Thethingaboutmelovingyou," he said quickly.

_How was I supposed to react to that?!_ "Oh."

"Yeah..."

We sat in awkward silence for about a minute, and then the doctor came back in, this time followed by my mom and dad. "Emma," my mom said, looking nervous.

"We think you should try to eat something," Snake said.

"No," I told him forcibly.

"Emma," the doctor said kindly, "you don't want to be attached to tubes for the rest of your life."

"How do you know what I want?" I spat back at him.

"The tubes are not enough. If you don't learn how to eat on your own, then you'll die."

My mom started to cry, and left the room. Snake gave me a sad, pleading look, and then left the room after her. I frowned, looking at the doctor, almost challenging him. "I'm not going to die," I told him. "You're exaggerating."

"Emma..." he began, but I interrupted him.

"No!" I exclaimed. "I won't die! I'm not even sick, I'm perfectly fine. Everyone is overreacting."

"Emma!" This time it was Jay. "Listen to him!"

I shook my head, "You think I'm crazy too..."

"This isn't about being crazy," he replied.

"It's a mental disorder..." the doctor began, trying to explain.

"Meaning I'm crazy, right? Well, you know what? Screw you!"

He didn't seem phased by my outburst, but I'm sure he saw it a lot. After all, I wasn't the only anorexic on the psych ward.

"Can we be left alone?" Jay asked, looking towards the doctor.

He nodded sadly, "Sure." Then he left.

"I can't love you," I said, turning away from Jay. I wasn't sure if I meant it or not, but I knew that I didn't want anyone to be close to me during all this.

"Okay," he said sadly.

"So, you can go," I said, hoping he would leave the room.

"I'm not leaving you," he replied. "You are not being left alone. I know that's what you want, I know that's why you're being so horrible."

"You don't know anything!" I exclaimed. "If you knew anything, you'd know that I still love Sean!"

He stood up, and nodded. "Fine."

As soon as he left I found myself questioning what I had just said. Did I still love Sean? Then, I found myself feeling extremely alone. I looked around the room, trying to find something that would distract me from everything that was going on. It didn't work. I was yet again left to my own mind, which, in most cases, meant destruction. I closed my eyes lightly, trying to calm my breathing down. How had I ended up like this? I didn't know anything. I was failing school, I was probably dying, and I didn't even know who I loved, or if I loved anyone at all.

Why did I feel so suddenly confused?

* * *

I left Emma's hospital room feeling like my heart had just dropped into the bottom of my stomach. I mean, I wasn't completely surprised at how she acted, but it still stung. I didn't blame her for not loving me. How could she? I didn't exactly have the best background; but, around her I was different. I was acceptable. Maybe acceptable just wasn't enough for Emma Nelson. 

Part of me knew that she was just acting out; she was angry that we had staged the intervention, and even more so that she was now in a hospital room, hooked up to about a million different machines and tubes. She was probably upset that they were telling her she would die.

_Die_. She couldn't. I had lost enough people in my life. Everyone I had been close to had left, except my mom. It would have killed me, maybe literally. I mean, I actually loved her. No one had given me a chance like she had; most people just saw me as Jay, the thug. With Emma, I was just Jay.

I drove down Highway 401, smiling slightly to myself, thinking of our time together. I thought about how beautiful she looked that night on the beach, all distraught in her big, purple gown. I thought about teaching her to drive, or how we had kissed later that day. I wish I would have told her earlier how I felt about her. She was always special to me. Then, I thought about the van, about our 'picnic'. I frowned, those probably weren't my best moments in life. Had I taken advantage of her situation? She clearly wasn't mentally stable. Had I actually contributed to her breakdown? Was I a cause of her disorder. Was that why she couldn't love me?

Whatever. I was on the way to see the one person that could help her. He was the saviour, I was just another problem.

I sighed, turning on the radio station, and trying to lose myself in whatever was playing. I frowned, speeding up. Emma needed me, even if it were only to retrieve the one she really needed...and wanted.

* * *

I fell asleep, and was awoken about two hours later by the sound of someone rustling beside my bed. I opened my eyes, and found Craig standing up, about to leave. "Sorry," he mumbled, "I was just leaving." 

"Can you stay?" I asked, not wanting to be left alone again.

He nodded, "Sure." He sat down in the chair. "How are you feeling?"

I smiled slightly, as if saying, _'Have you taken a look at me lately.'_

He chuckled lightly, "Point taken. So," he began after clearing his throat, "Manny's pretty worried about you."

"I know," I said.

Instead of telling him they had no reason to worry, I decided to change the tables and ask him about himself. "So, you and Manny?" I questioned.

"No," he stated simply, shaking his head. Then, looking down, "We're over that I think. Well, she is."

"You sure?"

He nodded, "We just can't," he stated simply. "Too much behind us. It's probably smart to let it be. Plus, I'm not good for her...not for anyone."

I was shocked at his honestly, but related entirely. " I know what you mean."

"You and Jay?" He asked.

"Me and everyone."

Nodding, he spoke again, "Do you love him?"

I shook my head, "I have no idea, but I'm not so sure that's my biggest issue right now," I said, gazing down at the tubes attached to my arms.

"Touche."

"Do you think I'm crazy?" I asked him seriously.

"Not anymore than the rest of us," he replied. "You've just hit a rough patch, Em." He leaned forward, grabbing my hand, which I had begun to use to pick at one of the tubes.

I looked at him, staring intently, and then spoke, "Thanks for not lecturing me."

He smiled just slightly, "There's no point. Emma Nelson is the stubbornest person I know. The only way you can beat this is if you, and only you, decide to do it. You can only do it for your own reasons."

"I don't have a reason yet."

"You will," he said, patting my hand gently. "Just know that I'm here. I love you, Em."

* * *

It was starting to get dark when I pulled into the familiar, small driveway. I stepped out of the car, and up to the front door. I rapped heavily, about four times; and then, I saw the all too familiar white tank top. Sean Cameron. 

"Jay," he said, obviously shocked to see me.

"Hey," I said, giving a quick little nod. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," he replied, stepping aside.

"I need your help."

"No," he said, before I got a chance to explain.

"You don't even know what I want you to do," I argued.

"Jay," he said simply. "I know you, and I know that anything you want me to isn't good."

"It's for Emma," I said.

He raised his brows, "For Emma?" I nodded. "Tracker told me that you two were seeing each other," he said, obviously upset, but instead gave a ridiculously mocking smirk.

"Not really..."

"Jay, I'm not helping you with Emma."

"She's in the hospital!" I exclaimed.

"What did you do?!" He yelled, getting into my face.

"Nothing! I exclaimed, "well...nothing much."

"Jay," he warned.

"I'm not the direct cause or anything," I supplied.

He backed off, "What's wrong?"

"She's an anorexic."

"Fuck."

So, we talked on the way back to Toronto, and I filled him in on what had been happening since he had left (leaving out the Ravine and the picnic, of course).

"So, do you...uh, love her?" Sean asked, after I had finished.

"What makes you think I do?"

"I dunno, man," he said, turning to face me. "The way you speak about her...you don't talk about anyone like that. And...well, you've been looking after her."

I frowned, "Obviously not well enough."

"Jay, man," he sighed. "You can't blame yourself. So, do you love her?"

I sighed, "Yeah."

"Then why do you need me?"

I almost didn't want to speak, because saying it myself might make it real; but, he had to know. It was for Emma. "Because she doesn't love me...not like that." He stared at me blankly, having no idea what I was getting at.

"She still loves you," I told him.

"Oh."

* * *

Craig sat with me for the rest of the night, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls with me. 

"You know," he said, after the fourth episode. "This isn't half bad."

I laughed, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean...Dean's pretty annoying and all, but overall this is pretty good."

"Enjoy season one," I told him, 'it goes downhill after four."

We were about to start another episode when the head nurse came in. "Emma, your mother just called."

"Okay," I said, not sure what she wanted me to do.

"She couldn't come in tonight, your brother has a really bad fever, and they had to stay home with him."

I nodded, "Okay, thanks."

"Also, visiting hours end in five minutes." I nodded again, letting her know I got it, and then she left the room.

"So, I should get going," Craig told me, standing up, and stretching.

"Thanks for just hanging out," I said. "It helped get my mind off everything. I almost forgot where I was."

"Your completely welcome," he replied. "Like I told you earlier, I love you; your like a sister to me, Em."

I smiled, "I always wanted a big brother."

He put on his coat, and gave a concerned smile. "Take care of yourself, okay? Find your reason."

I nodded, and he left the room. I closed my eyes, and turned off the light that was above my head. Maybe he was right...how the hell was I supposed to 'get better' if I couldn't find a reason to?

* * *

"So, do you love her?" 

"I don't know," he replied.

"Man, I saw your face the day we left you in Wasaga, and you sure as hell weren't crying for me or Ellie."

He frowned, "I might be to late."

**READ AND REVIEW, PLEASE!**


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks again for all the great reviews. I think I have both Jemma and Semma fans reading this, and I'm about to piss off one group, haha. Originally, I had planned to go with one pairing, but halfway through the story I changed my mind. Anyway, here it is...the last official chapter. I realize that it isn't as long as some might want, but it's still 2345 words. I hope you have all enjoyed this story. Thank you for all the support.

I'm currently writing articles for my journalism profile, so I might not be back for awhile; but, keep watching and I might write a new Degrassi fanfic soon.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in Degrassi.

It was the third morning in a row that I had woken up in the brightly lit hospital room, and I wasn't exactly enthused for the day ahead of me. I knew the drill– my parents would come in, look upset, and then I would get a few random visits from Manny and Craig, maybe Jay would come. In between those visits, the doctors and nurses would come in to try and get me to eat something--soup or mushed up vegetables-- and I would tell them to fuck off. It was routine.

This morning, however, was different. I woke up, and opened my eyes, and came face to face with Sean Cameron. "What are you doing here?" I asked, completely shocked, and unsure of how to react.

"Jay came to see me," he replied.

"Oh."

"How are you?"

I smirked, "Oh, you know...great."

"Right," he said, nodding. "I missed you."

My eyes widened, "Then why didn't you come see me?" I asked.

He shook his head, averting eye contact, and moving instead to look at his feet. "I don't know. I was going to...after I spoke to Tracker."

"You spoke to Tracker?"

"Yeah."

"And I assume he told you what I was like?"

He looked up at me, "He said you didn't look too good. He said you were having a breakdown or something..."

"And you didn't think to come see how I was? You didn't think to make sure I was okay?" I didn't know why it was making me so mad, but it was. He had every chance to come and see me. He had fully functional hands, that would give him the ability to pick up a phone and call, but he didn't. He wasn't there for me.

"I thought he was overreacting," he said, getting defensive.

"Clearly he wasn't."

"Em," he said, pleading. "I'm so sorry. If I had known it was this bad, I would have come so much sooner. I love you. I'm here for you now. I want you to get better. I can help!"

I smirked,"You can't just come back and play the hero again, Sean. In my world heroes up and leave when the going gets tough."

"Emma!"

"No," I said strongly. "I can't let you. I can't do this. You always want what you can't have. You always end up leavings."

"Then, what?!" He exclaimed. "You're just going to say you don't love me, that you don't have any feelings for me at all?! That's a lie, and you know it."

"I don't know," I replied honestly. "All I know is that you haven't been here." Then, it dawned on me– Jay had been there. _Did_ I love him?

"I came to help, Em."

"I don't need your help," I said, staring straight at him.

"Fine," he replied, standing up and leaving. Clearly, he was upset, "Take care of this yourself. I'm tired of always trying to do the right thing around you, because whatever I do, it's wrong." He paused, stopping, and looking at me one more time.

I didn't know what to say, so I said the only think I could think of, "I don't think I love you. I thought I did, I know I did, but..."

"I know," he said, nodding slightly. "Too much has happened."

"Too much," I agreed.

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner." I nodded. "I do care about you, though, and I really want to see you beat this, Em. You're too good of a person to let this get you."

"I'm not too sure about that," I said, looking down at my hands.

"I couldn't be more sure," he replied. He then walked to the door frame, stopping once more, "Oh, and give Jay a break...he really does love you."

I didn't say anything, and he left. What had I ever done to deserve the worry of so many different people?

_Sean left the room confused, not entirely sure as to what had happened. Jay picked him up in the middle of the night, telling him that Emma needed him; he arrives, and Emma doesn't need him at all. She didn't love him, not anymore. Did he love her? If he had, wouldn't he have told her much sooner?_

_He begins to think that maybe he did have some sort of hero complex, especially when it came to Emma; and, he was beginning to realize that maybe it wasn't because of some undying passion. Emma had been one of the first people to genuinely believe in him, to give him a chance maybe he had this never ending loyalty to her for that. _

_Whatever the reason, he knew that he had to help her...as a friend. That's all they were, all they could be. She loved Jay, even if she didn't know it yet. Besides, there was no point in faking passion that simply wasn't there anymore, they weren't twelve anymore. Puppy love couldn't last forever._

_He rounded the corner, entering a small waiting room; he noticed that only Craig sat in there. "Craig," he greeted, surprised to see his old friend there._

"_Cameron," he greeted, equally surprised, but a little less friendly._

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I was just about to ask you the same thing."_

"_I came to see Emma."_

"_Right," Craig said, nodding. He stood up, "I think you've done enough."_

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sean asked, getting rather defensive._

"_You know exactly what it means," he replied. _

"_Actually, I don't. Why don't you tell me exactly what I've done."_

"_You left her."_

"_What?"_

"_She needed you, and you left her!"_

_Sean couldn't believe what he was hearing, how could this be his fault. "I don't need this," he replied, turning to walk away._

"_Alas!" Craig exclaimed, dramatically. "He does it again. Walking away when the going gets too tough for his liking."_

_Sean spun around, walking straight into Craig's personal space, "Listen man, I have no idea what your problem is. Last I checked, you weren't exactly Emma's best buddy. Do not blame me for this. This is not my fault."_

"_Fuck you, it isn't."_

"_Guys!" Jay exclaimed, rushing into the room before either of them took a swing. "What the hell is going on?!"_

"_This idiot," Sean replied, speaking through clenched teeth, "is blaming me for all of this."_

"_What?" Jay asked, obviously shocked, turning to Craig. _

"_She loved him, and he left her when she needed him the most!"_

"_She doesn't love me!" Sean said, exasperated._

_Jay turned sharply, facing Sean, "What?"_

"_She doesn't love me," Sean repeated. "And, even if she did, how could this all be my fault."_

_Before Craig had a chance to reply, Jay beat him to it. "He's right," he said, turning to Craig. "There are too many layers to this. It's impossible to pin point one thing that caused this all. We could spend forever blaming each other, or, we could focus on the now, and help her."_

"_But..." Craig interrupted._

"_No," Jay stated firmly. "This is not some testosterone war. This is Emma's life. Either grow up, or get the fuck out." Jay was obviously pissed, and both Craig and Sean were smart enough to stay quiet. "Okay, good," he said, nodding. "Now, Craig why don't you go see how Emma's parents are, bring them something to eat. Sean, stay put, I'm going in to see Em."_

_Sean nodded, and Craig left to go get some Chinese food. Jay turned the corner, entering Emma's room, and leaving Sean alone in the waiting room. He sat, with his head in his hands, trying to comprehend everything._

_He sat like that for a good five minutes, until her heard the clacking of high heels on the polished floors. He looked down at the shoes, black heels poking out of from underneath some blue jeans. "Sean?" He looked up at the sound of the unmistakable voice of Miss. Manny Santos._

"_Manny," Sean greeted, standing up to embrace her tightly. "You look great."_

_She smiled slightly, "Thanks. You...look like hell."_

"_Always a charmer," he joked, sitting back down._

"_What are you doing here?" She asked, sitting down next to him._

"_Jay came and got me last night, said Emma needed me."_

"_And so you came running," she stated, nodding softly._

"_Yeah."_

"_She's so lucky."_

"_What?" He asked, confused._

_She shook her head, as if embarrassed at what she had said. "I mean, obviously this hospital thing isn't lucky. I meant, when she's in trouble she has all these guys running to her side."_

"_It'd be the same for you," he replied simply._

"_Nah," she sighed, smiling sadly. "I don't have what she has..."_

"_What's that?"_

"_Virtue...or, whatever." He smiled at her, chuckling lightly. "I'm serious!"_

"_Manny, you have a lot going for you."_

"_Uh huh," she said, doubtfully. "Like what?"_

"_I'm not good at this," he said, pleading._

"_Sean!"_

"_Fine," he said, sighing. "You're smart, you're funny as hell, extremely charismatic, and you're gorgeous."_

_She smiled brightly, and he looked away. "You think so?"_

"_Yeah..."_

"_You don't think I'm a tramp?"_

_He shook his head, turning to face her. "Not at all," he replied honestly. "Everyone has a rough patch. You can't keep beating yourself up for mistakes you've made. I've done that...it's a bad road."_

_She nodded, "So, you and Emma?"_

"_Will never be anyone more than friends," he replied. "You and Craig?"_

"_Same."_

"_Sorry," he said, looking at the wall straight ahead, just as she was._

"_It's okay," she said, smiling slightly. "I think I'll just let guys chase me now, instead of the other way around, you know?"_

_He nodded, "Yeah."_

"_I mean, eventually a good guy might come my way."_

I was sitting, staring out the window, when he came into the room. I turned around to face him, "Hey."

He smiled slightly, "Hi. How are you feeling today?"

"Okay," I said. "You wanna sit?"

He nodded, walking over to the side of my bed, and taking a seat. "I thought it would help."

"Huh?"

He cleared his throat, "I thought bringing Sean here would help. I thought seeing him here would give you a reason to get better, or something. It was stupid..." he trailed off, looking down at his feet.

I shook my head, "No it wasn't. It was sweet. I just don't love him...not anymore." He nodded, understanding. "I just... I need to find my own reason."

He lifted his head, looking at my with sad intensity, "When will you find this reason, Emma?!" He was upset, not mad...just frustrated, and hurting.

I didn't know what to tell him. "I..."

"I mean, I've been here, giving all I can to help you. I don't have much left to give!"

"Jay..."

"No!" He exclaimed, staring straight into my eyes, tears starting to cloud his own. "Emma, I know you think you're fine. I know you think that you'll be okay, but I know better. I've been down this road before, Em...it doesn't end up well."

"It's different."

"No it isn't," he stated, a tear now rolling down his cheek. "The way I see it...there's a girl who I love, who I trust more than anyone else, and they can't seem to love themself as much as I do. So, they don't see a reason to get better." He paused, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. "The way I see it, it's exactly the same."

"So, you love me like a sister?" I asked, perplexed.

He smiled slightly, through the obvious pain, "Not at all. I_ love_ you, Green Peace.And, if you die...so will I."

"Jay..."

"I mean it, Em. I don't have much else to live for. You're all I have." He broke down into sobs, not turning away...letting me see it all. "You can't die, Em. I need you."

Suddenly, as if it was some huge sign– I had a reason. I took his hand, and looked straight faced at him. "No one is going to die." I paused, adding, "Not anymore."

He nodded, leaning up, and kissing my forehead. "Good"

_Sean sat next to Manny, thinking about what she had said earlier. How was it possible that the girl with one of the most outgoing personalities, and gorgeous looks, could be so self conscious. It was odd, while they both we so different, they were also much the same. They were both looking for someone to love them; to show them something that had always lacked. _

_He smiled, looking over at her. "You want to get some lunch?"_

_She grinned, her eyes perking up brightly, "Sure."_

**One Year Later**

It hadn't been easy, recovering. I had been through many ups and downs, had many good days, and almost as many bad. It was tough, but eventually I pulled through, allowing my friends and family to help me out. Sooner or later, I realized that I had a genuine problem, and that if I didn't fix it, I would die.

So, I fixed it. It was another month in the hospital, under close surveillance. At first it felt like prison, but eventually it felt like comfort.I had the support of the doctors and nurses, and the other twelve girls, and one guy, on my floor who were going through the same thing as I was. I had group meetings, and individual evaluations. They taught me about my disorder, and told me that I would have to manage it for the rest of my life; and, that's what I'm doing now, managing it.

It hasn't been a walk through the park, but the love shown by those closest to me has been amazing. I'm healthy now; well, as healthy as I might ever be. I eat, maybe not as much as I used to before the anorexia, but enough to keep me up to par. I still work out, but in moderation, and usually with Jay.

Yeah, he's still with me. It's been an interesting year, to say the least. He stuck with me through all my moments of meanness, and self-doubt.Through my many breakdowns, he was there, holding my hand. I can now truly say I love him. Maybe, I was just using Sean as a crutch– if I told Jay I loved Sean, then I didn't have to admit to loving Jay, and I wouldn't have to get better for him.

Oh, and Sean? He did come back to Degrassi, but it wasn't for me. He found a match in Miss. Manny Santos. A couple that many couldn't even imagine in their wildest nightmares, was now a steady staple of the Degrassi dating pool. They were perfect for each other; Manny's exuberance, played off of Sean's cool and collected persona. Her extravagance, blended elegantly with his simpleness. Plus, they were so adorable together, that it could make anyone sick.

As for my other loyal friend. Well, Craig's trying something new– being single. He realized that he needed time to figure out exactly who he was, instead of always attaching himself to another being. Besides, Craig Manning and the female species always seemed to equal plenty of drama. So, he is, essentially, Craig the single guy. It's a Craig that seems stable; it's good for everyone.

"Babe."

"Jay!" I smiled, leaping into his arms.

He hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek affectionately. "You ready? We told Sean and Manny we'd be there about twenty minutes ago!"

I laughed, "Hoggart, don't mess with a girl while she's picking a lip colour."

"You look great just the way you are," he said, smiling.

I nodded, turning to look in the mirror, at my now curvy body. Yeah, he's right. I'm fine, just the way I am, as corny as it sounds. In the end, I learnt to accept myself. Ignore the flaws, and accept the downfalls; because, in the end, you are who you are.


	12. AN

I've uploaded a new story! Well, the first chapter anyway. It's pretty much a sequel to this story. Obviously, I couldn't stay away from the story I've built for that long. So, for those of you who have followed and enjoyed this story, I hope you'll enjoy the next one just as much.


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